Saturday, May 30, 2015

Verschwörung !!

[Note: Verschwörung simply means ‘conspiracy’ in German;  but phonetically, it is a much cooler word -- literally, with a cool, dark, caved-dwelling stressed vowel, the sound of a wind  moaning in an unlit dungeon --  ö, with rounded lips half-closed, as in spooky -- subject to ghost-story woo-woo lengthening ad libitum: Verschwöööörung
So!  Now that you’re in the mood …]

Can U say: Verschwööööörung

The details of the current front-page FIFA scandal  will not detain us;  in accordance with terms of our Junior Blogger’s License, we are not permitted to comment about things we know absolutely nothing about, such as sports;  but we are credentialed in chronicling the vicissitudes of the Société du spectacle, and shall do so here.

The outlines of this conspiratorial scandal are vague enough -- “corruption” (gotta luvvit) at the “highest levels” (involving people we’ve never heard of).   And the press, nowise behindhand,  duly trotted out a rogue’s-gallery  trombinoscope of the principle accused (arrested publically, with DSK-like drama, at their “luxury hotel” in Zürich):  as sallow a collection of mugs as you might ever fear to see -- toadlike, puffy, by turns sagging and distended, like mob bosses squinting against the unfamiliar light.    So, everyone assumes they’re all guilty of something;  and what, mediatistically, gives the story particular legs, is that its arrival coincided with the imminently impending re-election of FIFA’s controversial longtime head -- who carefully was not indicted, since then there would have no suspense:  the media is playing this thing like a soccer match.


Our focus is not on the specific content of the scandal, but the interface it presents to the rest of the world:  its crucial viral coating, as it were.  And indeed, like the proverbial elephant, this affaire presents multiple facets, to anyone with an ax to grind.
In particular, we have received a request from the Vatican(**) to comment on the conspiratorial aspects of the case.

(**:  Encyclical #3B-984-777-m)

These are not lacking.

(1) Vladimir Putin has publically charged that the indictments were trumped up to spoil the award of the upcoming World’s Cup to Russia.   On the face of it, that is very plausible, given the current diplomatic background -- if not as the whole explanation, at least one motivation.

(2) Others have claimed that the key to the whole thing involves FIFA’s political stance towards Israel, pointing out that a motion likes before that body  to censure Israel for its treatment of Palestinian soccer teams.  And indeed, Palestinian protestors were out in force in the run-up to the election in Switzerland.
Plausible enough.  The only problem is -- Is the investitagion a conspiracy against Israel, or for it?
(2a)  The most vociferous proponents of this theory champion the “for” camp:  destroy FIFA before it could censure Israel.
(2b)  On the other hand, in point of fact, the censure motion was merely a proposal, with little chance of passing, and indeed FIFA wound up refusing to endorse it;  therefore, the indictments were anti-Israel, attacking FIFA for failing to oppose Israel’s soccer policies.

(3)  Some commentators have mentioned in passing, po-faced, that there might be some questions concerning the timing of the indictments.
Well, uh -- YEH-ah,  doh!!   This case has (incredibly) been on the FBI’s docket for over twenty years;  and then, right in the sweet spot of the news cycle, the Bureau releases this bombshell, smack on the eve of the FIFA elections.  Obviously they were targeting the head of FIFA (who has reigned for seventeen years, muffling repeated scandals) -- who is Swiss.   So, the whole thing is a conspiracy against Switzerland.    
However, on that account, you would expect the Swiss guy to be backed by Western Europe, while the Third World railed against the European Old Boy’s Club and demanded the election of one of their own -- who indeed was in the running, an Ali from Jordan.   But in fact, matters are exactly the opposite:  Europe opposed the Swiss candidate, while the Third World backed him (being utterly unfazed by charges of “corruption”, a concept foreign to their way of thinking, since corruption is simply their usual way of doing business).

It’s all very confusing.  And so -- in compliance with the Papal request -- we are asking you, our readers, to help us out here.   Here are some dots for you to connect:

Potential conspirators
* The NFL : jealous that, for everyone except Americans, “football” means soccer.
* The feminist lobby:  has it in for this utterly male-dominated sport.  Intends to replace it with field hockey.
* The Vatican.  (We here at the World of Dr Justice  explicitly rule out any such involvement by our sponsor  that entity.)
* Obama:  He’s behind every other scandal, probably this one as well.
* The World Bank Zürich -- banking;  the connection is obvious.
* The Bilderberg Group:  probably involved somehow, they usually are.
* The Illuminati [sorry, you are not cleared for this]

Their final goal:
* World domination

Of course -- ultimately, each of those interpretations contains but a fragment of the truth.  Ultimately it all goes back to…

(die Riemann-Verschwoerung)
(La conspiration Riemann)

[Update 1 June 2015]  Speak of the Devil!
The above was satire;  but these days, reality is usually not far behind.  And sure enough:  Right now NPR is running a program on how FIFA is evil because it doesn’t push women’s soccer the way it does men’s.  (Actually, it does push Third World soccer, tremendously;  which is why FIFA’s just-reelected president had the Third World votes sewed up.)  What we need is a different transnational complexus, call it FEMA or GIGA, which gives soccer fans, not what they want, but what Hillary Clinton wants them to want.

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