Saturday, March 31, 2012

Forget it, folks, go home. The whole thing was just a big misunderstanding

Look, folks.  That entire business with the imaginary type-type-type Prufrock from Iowa, and the made-up imaginary website so-called “Reddit” (sp?  This isn’t even a word) and the conspiracy and the assassination blah-de-blah --- Dr Justice was just having you on.  All just a ruse to promote his stupid detective stories.    So give up and stop Tweeting about this, okay?

By an amusing coincidence, it turns out that Dr Justice was in fact slain earlier this morning, but the incident had nothing whatever to do with the half-cocked conspiracy scenario presented in the earlier posts.  Apparently just some random drive-by.

-- Melvin “Q” Spelvin, official coroner

Friday, March 30, 2012

just a note / gotta go

Dr J here.  I managed to escape from my captors but more on that later.  This is just to reassure you that I am very much alive.
As for who is behind all this, -- you wouldn’t believe it if I told you.

Anyhow.  I have assembled evidence that this whole thing is just a ruse, a sort of play-fake, to distract attention from the genuine centerpiece:  the literary crime of the century, sparked by the literary find of the century, as documented in detail here:
and here:

For:  The sole manuscript in existence  of this remarkable poem  -- in the original Latin, of course -- unique and absolutely pricesless,  has recently vanished without a trace -- from a locked room !!!

Explain that, Mr Sherlock Holmes !

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Topology of a Conspiracy

The Crypto Division here at WDJ (world headquarters, Geneva), working in collaboration with a named foreign intelligence service, has managed to extract the essential structure of the dastardly Riemann plot.  Here it is, from Analyst’s Sketch-Book:

Shown actual size

Details to follow.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Timely Announcement from National Public Radio

The award-winning nightly program “All Things Considered” ®, in an attempt to track the latest media sensation,  called up half a dozen or so of the leading experts on the Riemann Conspiracy, only to discover that, disappointingly, all of them have been murdered.  Naturally we had planned to give equal time to those who maintain that no such conspiracy has ever existed or ever will exist, and that in any event  the DoD is definitely not involved;  yet by a funny coincidence, these too have vanished.

Still, tune in as NPR brings you the very latest coverage from the endlessly fascinating Republican Presidential Primary, with up-to-the-minute poll standings for every candidate except R*n P**l;  followed by re-runs of “Car Talk”, re-re-reruns of "Prairie Home Companion", and the usual appeals for your support.
Oh -- and the Riemann Conspiracy?  It’s probably nothing.

Is *this* the guilty party?

I say nothing till I speak to my lawyer

He sure as heck looks it!

(Any citizen having information concerning this individual is urged to contact the Federal Bureau of Investigation by clicking here.)

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Third Brother

You’ve all heard of Sherlock’s Smarter Brother, Mycroft Holmes.
Apparently French Intelligence is attempting to revive that game, to throw you off.
We keep hearing about how the pitiful Muhammad Merah...

...  was just the cat’s-paw of his elder brother `Abd-el-Qadir.  But … who was controlling him ???????

The fact is, he’s untouchable.  Code-named Rancid Hamster, he is at the center of most of the world conspiracies from the last fifty years: 

  =>  the Pelican Brief
  =>  the Vincent Foster affair
…  and many more …


I deny everything

[Late-breaking update !]  We may have a break in the case:

Si cela vous parle,
savourez la série noire
en argot authentique d’Amérique :



Monday, March 26, 2012

Gud 2 EEt

Doo  U  lik  yohgrut ?   Wee too doo ... !!!!!!!!
U just click here,
U feel awl much bettah  soo sooon,
sooo   E-Z  2  doo…
sooooo       sooooooooooooooooooooothing ….

U stare at this  UU feel awl bettah so soon …



Alert! Alert!

We have just had word that a suspected entity in apparently China, though IP-spoofing misdirects to Taiwan, is about to hack this site.
Fortunately we have a mole in its upper structure, who reveals their nefarious plan:

They intend to post  an unassuming-looking item, titled “Good To Eat”.  To all appearances  innocent, it will in fact be packed with subliminal messages hidden in steganography.  And if anyone were to click on the link, they would instantly become robotic zombie mind-slaves, and passive sex-toys of beings too loathesome to describe.


[This message brought 2 U by Citizens for a Better America. ]

A Disavowal from DSK

(A propos de ceci.)
I hef NOsink 2 doo w/ zis;  capisc’ ??
Riemann ?  Neffer effn met ze gentleman…
Here U read my merry aventures …

But, not to click here -- too embarrassing.
They say:

Another Strauss-Kahn lawyer has acknowledged that the ex-IMF chief attended orgies but was unaware prostitutes were involved.

Wounding words but -- is true!  I thought they are lobbyists!  -- Oh, OK, right:  same thing.  But still, I no pay them.  No pay -- no putain, n’est-ce pas?  I refuse pay Diallo, I think she like me for my mind, she get upset.  Les putains -- who ever understands them?

Johnny Dollar

(From this evening’s “Big Broadcast”)

            “… two sets of footprints …
            … leading back to the lodge …. …..”

Incredible.  Could this too be part of … the Riemann Conspiracy ????

[Answer:  Absolutely not.  Conclusive denial here.]
[Those of you cleared for Obj Prigogine may access this password-protected hotlink here.
(Failure to enter the correct password  will result in the deletion of all your files.)]

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Wha -- ??

This is Ginnie.  I simply wandered off, looking for the Little Girls’ Room.
How did I get here?
Why am I here??

[Notice from management:
Please do not click on this link,  as it would destroy the world.]

A Picture’s Worth 1K Words

Andrei “Spelvin” Tychonoff

‘Nuff said.

[This dot  .   for research purposes only.]

Notice from the FCC

In accordance with Regulation 49-C, this site has been determined to be in violation of ¶317 of sub-paragraph 984 (addendum eight), owing to unauthorized disclosures at the following link, on which you are forbidden to click:

Accordingly, this site is scheduled for demolition.  Anyone caught logging in, now or retrospectively, is subject to immediate arrest and “enhanced” interrogation.

[Blind x-ref.]

Renewed Denial from DoD

Alright so, so big deal, so some pimply hacker manages to break into our secure servers again (we have to hand it to him, though, got a noggin on his neck there:  our TRACEROUTE reveals that he somehow managed to guess the new secure password, “PCGUEST1”, on the first try -- pretty impressive) and “claims” to have found “evidence” that said “Aloysius Urysohn” is a fictional character, and that he was, moreover, never the DoD Head Gardener at all (as erroneously implied by an earlier spokesperson who has since been demoted and killed), but simply the Assistant Coffeebrewer for the typist pool.   Alright, okay, so sue me.

Look -- the Department denies any and all allegations -- OK?  Satisfied?  Really, this Denial business is getting old.  Just trust us, okay?

For more trustworthy stuff, visit our Website:

[This link leads nowhere;  it is just for show.]

Abdelkader Merah a été mis en examen pour complicité d'assassinats et écroué

Late-breaking details here:

Tie-in if any   to the Riemann Conspiracy   has not been determined  at press time.

[Update 28 Dec 2012]  A retrospective, along with audio of Merah himself:

A Different Denial from DoD

Okay, so, so what.  So some hacker has managed to break into our secure servers and extract evidence that PROJ URYSOHN does indeed exist.
Well OK, so it does, but all it is is, is a proposal to plant dogwoods on the south lawn of an undisclosed location in Langley, Virginia (which, incidentally, is lovely at this time of year).  The project is headed by our Chief Gardener, Mr. Aloysius Urysohn (for whom the project is named).   For proof, here is his portrait and sworn testimony:

"Honest Injun, it's totally true !" -- A.U.

In the meantime, we have upgraded the security level on our servers to “ORANGE” (one step above LEMON, though not so severe as POMEGRANATE), so that this sort of thing does not happen again.  We realize now that “PCGUEST” was not an especially good password for SYSAD access.  The password has been algorithmically upgraded to add a random digit at the end -- but we won’t tell you which one.  (Get it?   Which “””one”””….   ;->)
All this, the better to serve you, the taxpayer.

We trust that this clarification  answers all your questions.

A Message from the LAPD

It is our sad duty to announce that one of our most valiant officers, Detective Roger Crispmann,  has died suddenly in a climbing accident  on Le Mont d’Or.   Our deepest sympathy goes out to his wife of many years, Laura.

Send money in lieu of flowers.  Small nonconsecutive bills.

[This area reserved for IT support.]
[Dead link.  Delete.]

A Letter to the Ombudsperson

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am a retired schoolteacher residing in Osawatomie, Kansas.   This morning, a package was left on my front porch -- which is surprising in itself, come to think of it, since we don’t get Sunday delivery.   I found it just setting there when I got back from church.
Anyway, there seems to be some mistake, since it was addressed to a Mr Urisson or Yurisone or something like that (the package is gone now, and my memory isn’t what it was).   No one by that name in these parts, so far as I know.   Though, now that I reflect on it, it may have been intended for the safe-house yonder of the fields.
Anyhow.  I didn’t know what to do with it, but I must admit:  curiosity got the better of me, and I took a little peek inside the package.  What I saw made me wish I’d never stuck my nose in where it does not belong.  It was a human head, and a blood-soaked note!   I didn’t read the note -- I swear it -- and hastily put the package back on the porch.
Later I went out to milk the goat, and it may have been that that saved me.  A windowless van drove up to the house, and three men in wetsuits  poured out and grabbed the package.  Then they set the house on fire, sprayed it with automatic weapons, and left.
So now all my blood-relatives are dead  and I am on the run, across the county line in… but it would be foolish to reveal my location, wouldn’t it?  (That's just what they want me to do.)  Fact is, I seem to have blundered dumb plumb smack dab into the middle of some thrilling international conspiracy!
So the reason I am writing to you is, How do I go about selling my story to Hollywood?  It would make it all worthwhile!

Yours very truly,

Jim Martins

[To wipe your hard-drive, press here.]

DoD Denial

The Department of Defense wishes formally to deny the allegations made in a recent unauthorized leak:

No -- not “leak”;  of course we mean fantasy.  Contrivance.  Made up out of whole cloth.

Anyhow, the rogue unit of DARPA that initiated the program in question  has been terminated;  or rather, it never existed in the first place.  Nor does “DARPA”.  Well okay there is a “DARPA”, but it stands for the “Decatur, Alabama, Retired Parents Association”, which does not engage overtly in chemical warfare of any sort.

As for the pseudonymous leaker, “Dr Justice”, we understand that he has been taken care of.  (Caveat:  The Department had nothing to do with it.)

[Webmaster:  This link for page-maintenance purposes only;  do not click.]

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Urgent Alert to Amcits

This is Agent Bauer of the FBI.   (No, not that Bauer, another Bauer -- I get that all the time.)   Please be advised that the so-called “Appeal” by the non-existent “Roger Crispmann” (an obvious cover-name) of the “LAPD” (and what would they have to do with the case anyway?  Dr J’s Fortress of Certitude lies hundreds of miles from Hollywood, and not exposed atop any crag either, how dumb do you think he is)  was a hoax, presumably perpetrated by the criminals themselves.   They have obviously simply patterned themselves on the well-known case of the Colombian Drug Tips Hotline, which the narcotraffickers were monitoring, the better to kill the tipsters.  Already, dozens of residents of the Greater Los Angeles area  have disappeared.

So:   Should you read such an Appeal, alert the Bureau, and do not comply with its demands.  Or if you do go, go heavily armed.

[Urgent release from DHS]   Cease reading immediately.  You are not cleared for this.
What is truth, and what is fantasy, you are incapable to discern.
Final warning here:
Your computer will self-destruct in twelve seconds.

An Appeal to the Public

This is Lieutenant Roger Crispmann of the LAPD.  We are asking members of the public to come forth to assist in our investigation of the unsolved brutal murder of Dr Justice.   Stalked to his crag-top eyrie by unidentified electronic means, he appears to have been somehow done away with… and made away with, the corpse and every trace of the crime having been meticulously made to vanish… and this, from a Locked Room!
So far, this is our only clue.


Lt. R. Crispmann, LAPD, NKVD, USMC (ret.)

Any citizen having information on this case is requested to come to Room 3B of the abandoned warehouse (towards the back) out on Route 66  some miles west of Vegas.  Come alone and unarmed.  Approach the building  slowly.

[Update]  This is the FCC.  The post you have just read  is a hoax.
Forget you ever read it.   Refutation here:
This Website will self-destruct in ten seconds.
Turn off your computer  and shelter in place.

The Riemann Conspiracy

[Keywords:  Landcastle;  ptarmigan; tam o’ shanter; Tychonoff; Riemann-Verschwörung; la conspiration Riemann.
Declassify on:  November 22, 2063 ]
You have no doubt heard of the following astonishing story, since it is all that anyone is talking about:

 How One Response to a Reddit Query Became a Big-Budget Flick

“…in response to The_Quiet_Earth’s question about time-traveling marines, Erwin started typing. He posted his answer in a series of comments in the thread. Within an hour, he was an online celebrity. Within three hours, a film producer had reached out to him. Within two weeks, he was offered a deal to write a movie based on his Reddit comments. Within two months, he had taken a leave from his job to become a full-time Hollywood screenwriter.”

Now: How many of you actually believe that cock-and-bull story about a mild-mannered retiring Iowan (family man:  one wife, one child, one dog) trolling up some Comments about a lame-brain What-if movie idea (marines travel back in time to battle the Romans, for reasons unexplained), and -- every poster’s Onan-fantasy -- almost immediately gets a breathless call from Hollywood.  Anyone?  Raise your hands so we can laugh at you.

Let us calmly present the facts.

(1) The simplest scenario is that a Hollywood studio launched the Reddit “question” in the first place, and one of its own screenwriter-apprentices posted the Comments in reply.  The proposed movie was already in the works and is soon to be released -- after all, this mini-flap of publicity will die down in a matter of days; it would be absurd to bet tens of millions on some random stupid premise that springs up on the Web like a dandelion, then dies.   Indeed, the premise of the movie sounds as lame-brained as that Cowboys-and-Aliens mess, which flopped, despite a stellar cast.   Some studio found itself with a stinker on its hands, and, chastened by the recent big-budget “John Carter” fiasco, decided to cut its losses.   That Reddit spoof, which cost it nothing, represents the entire publicity budget for this foredoomed movie.

(2)  But to those of us who are old hands at the game… and who perhaps have some inside knowledge… scenario (1) is just a little too pat.  It makes perfect sense (much more than the Wired story does), but… it’s just what they want you to think.
No, the real explanation probably lies along somewhat the following lines.  [Those of you not cleared for PROJ URYSOHN  stop reading now.]


The battle-plan in question is an actual DARPA project, still in the planning stage, and cleared recruits are needed.  (The recruitment come-on lies not so much in the bland and uninteresting plaintext of the Comments themselves, as in the doubly-encrypted messages for which the gematria numerical equivalent of the Comments text  represents the hash-code for the decryption key.)  The basic idea presumably is that, by sending a Seals strike-force (called “Marines” for public consumption) backwards in time, not to the Roman empire dummy, but earlier, to the Persian empire, where the oil is, duh.   At which point --  N-No!  Mr BigYou here?!?  … I-- I wasn’t going to spill anything, I, I swear it -- No!  No not that!!  Aieeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!

Für psychologisch tiefgreifende Krimis,
in pikanter amerikanischer Mundart,
und christlich gesinnt,
klicken Sie bitte hier:

[Anonymous update, March 25]  Please do not click on the following link, as it contains misinformation:


~ ~ Посмертный Одобрение

"Если бы я был жив сегодня, и в настроении для тайны,

это то, что я хотел бы читать: "

Я не делаю случае развода

Мерфи на горе.

Иосиф Сталин, и я одобрил это сообщение.)

~ ~

Friday, March 23, 2012

Dispatch from halfway around the world

You may or may not -- not, as likely as not -- have heard of the past day’s events in distant Mali.
If not -- this is stated by no means by way of reproach.  Mali is, after all, the locus of Timbuktu;  which, when I was but a lad in knickers, was a metonym for Back of Beyond; or, as the young folks say today, Beyond Effing Egypt (B.F.E.).   You have, understandably, been too busy wrestling with the Riemann Hypothesis (warning:  It’s trickier than you think), or tending to your garden (in line with Voltaire’s well-known advice), to attend to the latest putsch in a far-off land.
And indeed I know nothing more about it than what I glean from the press.  But the point is, in the course of such gleaning, I stumbled upon an unusually graceful essay, by an African journalist, one Jean-Claude Coulibaly -- here, of all places:

M. Coulibaly thus joins our favorite radio-feuilletoniste Fouad Laroui, and the eloquent Lebanese editorialist Issa Goraieb, in the pantheon of francophonic African-and-Middle-Eastern essayists, their prowess known to Helicon, but scarcely beyond it.

~     ~     ~

[Update 24 III 2012] A NYTimes article quotes some relevant questions:

“Is this really an organized coup d’état, since it started as a mutiny?
“In a place where there is an election in a month, it is difficult to understand why troops would take over from the government.”

And adds a detail which makes the story ready for a Hollywood-style paranoid thriller:

the military men who have seized power — led by Capt. Amadou Haya Sanogo, who received extensive training in the United States between 2004 and 2010


Le capitaine Sanogo, proclamé président du tout nouveau CNRDR (Comité national pour le redressement de la démocratie et la restauration de l’Etat), a dit avoir été formé par des “marines” américains et des agents des services de renseignement américains dans le cadre de la lutte anti-terroriste.

 Ahem, hmm!  Where there's smoke, there's fire, no?

~     ~     ~

My friend Snarla alerted me to this recent success by a random internaut:

Now, in response to The_Quiet_Earth’s question about time-traveling marines, Erwin started typing. He posted his answer in a series of comments in the thread. Within an hour, he was an online celebrity. Within three hours, a film producer had reached out to him. Within two weeks, he was offered a deal to write a movie based on his Reddit comments. Within two months, he had taken a leave from his job to become a full-time Hollywood screenwriter.

I am offering my services as screenwriter.   Key idea:  The resultant TV series will parallel the events in Mali in real time,  each episode explaining the real-life events of the previous week  in terms of deep-reaching conspiracies, steamy sex, … and, lurking invisibly in the background, a shadowy organization known only as the Brotherhood of the Riemann Hypothesis… Goes "24" one better.  Tune in next week.

[Note to Hollywood:  Call my agent at the usual location.
 Note to Mr Big:  Call me on the Red Phone.]

Studios wishing to compete in the bidding  may consult my credentials in an earlier project (launched in the Real World  so as to make millions from the later movie), the "DSK Affaire" (currently in production, scheduled for a Mayday release), here:

[Update, later today]  Disturbing developments here.

[Update 25 III 12] Sidelights on the Mali coup:

A CLUSTER of Australian mining companies will nervously watch events in the West African nation of Mali this week, where a sudden political coup has threatened to erode strong recent performances on the ASX.
Mali was in chaos on Wednesday when a military mutiny escalated to overthrow the government, sparking widespread looting and civil unrest over the weekend.
Among the ASX-listed companies with exposure to Mali is market-darling Papillon Resources, which has been feted in recent times for a four-fold share price gain over the past 12 months.

From Reuters:
In the north, separatist MNLA rebels and Ansar Eddine, a group that wants to impose sharia law in Mali, both have forces surrounding the town of Kidal,

(Note: Ansar Eddine is from Arabic, ‘Supporters/Defenders of (the Islamic) religion”.  The term Ansar, ultimately deriving from those who helped the Prophet in Medina, is used in the name of several jihadi groups, such as the AQAP-afficilated Ansar al-Sharia in Yemen.)


Much of the news we get from denied areas or remote parts of the world  is second-hand.  You’ll hear the NPR describing the state of the Syrian upheaval….”reporting from Beirut”.  You could just as well monitor things from New York, but the dateline sounds more exciting.

Here is an apparent eyewitness account of the street scene in Bamako:

[Update 5 April 2012]  Boy did that not work out.
A ragtag bank of soldiers kick out the duly-elected government of Mali, based on the complaint that said government has not been dedicating enough resources to battling the rebellion in the north.  As an immediate result, the actual soldiers on the ground in the north face a lack of leadership -- they’re not about to take orders from this obscure captain and self-appointed coup-master -- so they doff their uniforms and run away and the whole thing falls apart and now the north is controlled … well, occupied by  a spicy mixture of Tuareg tribesmen, Salafists, AQIM honchos and AQIM dissidents:

Les trois chefs d'Aqmi à Tombouctou

As one commenter quips:
Ah le Militaires Africains! Le comité militaire a trouvé le pays au bord du gouffre. Le comité militaire a décidé de faire un pas en avant.

[Update 7 April 2012]  Video:  Touaregs fleeing Bamako:

[Update 7 April 2012]  We're free, O Lord -- free at last !!

For remarkable breaking developments, simply google "azawad tourism secluded getaway" 

For the truth, the whole truth, straight from the horse's mouth:

[Update 12 April 2012]
Quite an interesting interview;  helps you keep track of the players:

[Update 13 April 2012]
It really is fascinating, what's going on.
My subsequent posts, riffing on this, are pour rire;
but to follow what-all is going on,
click  here ....  :
Le Mouvement National de Libération de l’Azawad condamne, l’enlèvement de diplomates algériens à Gao et tous les actes de vandalisme et d’agressions contre les populations civiles dans les villes libérées.
Le Mouvement National de Libération de l’Azawad se désolidarise de toutes les organisations mafieuses s’étant introduite ces jours-ci dans l’Azawad, contribuant à instaurer un climat de chaos et de désordre, après la libération du territoire.

Honestly, I feel for these guys.
Eleison, Kyrie ....

Pour d’autres friandises
de la confiserie 
du docteur Justice,

[Update 19 April 2012]  A welcome development in what's left of Mali:

[Update 28 April 2012]  A grave though foreseeable development:

[Update 9 May 2012]  The view from Tamanrasset:

[Update 21 May 2012] High-spirited youth pay a visit to the Presidential Palace:
"The interim president of Mali was set upon by angry protesters who stormed the presidential palace on Monday, grabbed him by the collar and beat him on the head into unconsciousness."

Too Much of Nothing

Updated here:

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Recently updated essays

The politics of language: