Monday, June 13, 2016

EXXXclusive! Actual transcripts of Omar Mateen’s 911 calls !!!

Many observers have questioned the depth or solidity of the Orlando killer’s ties to ISIL.   That he called 911 during the drama three times, is beyond dispute.  But -- was he just then attempting to make initial contact with the group (a bit late, that!); or was it a pre-arranged call?
The essential scenarios  could not be more different:

(A) “Hi, you don’t know me, but my name is Omar, and I’m a loser, and my wife dumped me, and I spend all day whacking off in the basement and want to kill myself, but, better to go out in a blaze of glory, y’know?  As a “martyr”?”

(B) “Heyyy, Abu;  Omar here.   ConOps 938b is in progress as we speak.  Inform the Illuminati.”

Obviously, we need to get to the bottom of this.  And thus the spectacularly tentacular research department at the World of Dr Justice (Headquarters:  Geneva), which has a mole in every organization of any consequence, drilled into the matter, and came up with the actual tapes, “transcribed in Hollywood” by our team of international linguists.

Call #1:

Caller (dials; waits;  gets dial tone, which times out)
Caller (dials again; gets a recording, “We are sorry, but you need to dial a “1” before--“; caller hangs up.)
Caller (dials again, and again, and again; finally gets through).
911 (recording):  “Thank you for dialing 911; your call is important to us.  For Spanish, stay on the line.  For English, press 2;  for Lithuanian, press 3;  for Arabic, press 3 only do it backwards;  for Hebrew…”
Caller (to himself):  Damn it!”
911: “You call is important to us -- reeally, reeeally important to us!  Muy importante! Sehr sehr importgestrudel!!  Please stay on the line!!!”
Caller (Waits; fifteen minutes pass)
911 (dispatcher):  “Good evening, how may I direct your call?”
Caller:  “I am Omar -- Omar! -- and I have hostages--“
911: “Please hold while I attend to a caller on another line.”
[Ten minutes pass.]
911:  “Thank you for holding. We--“
Caller:  “What was that about?”
911:  “Tragically, a kittehhh climbed up a tree and could not come down---“
Caller: “Allah’s curse upon the kittehhhhhh!   I am holding hostages and I--“
[A time anomaly occurs as the convo is shifted back to the technology of the 1950s:]
Operator: “Your time has expired.  Please insert another dime--“
[Call ends.]

Call #2:

Caller [dials 911 seventeen times in succession, for good luck]
911:  “Good evening.  How may I direct your call?  For City Hall, press 1.  For--“
Caller:  “I am Omar, and I am loaded for bear!  Fear me!  I am calling to pledge allegiance to the Caliph, the Lord High Abu-Bakr al-Baghdadi, master of Mosul, regent of Ragga --“
911:   “Sir, can you spell that?”
Caller: “? --! -- ??!!!    -- No, I can’t spell that!  I can barely spell my own name, how do you expect me --“
Hostages [voices in the background  cannot refrain from intervening.  “Aboo Baker Al Big Daddy--“  “No, you fool. A-Boo Ben Adam --“  -- Shots ring out, and the voices cease.]
911: “We are sorry, but there is nobody by that name at this extension--“
Caller: “Damn this extension!   And a plague on bacon!”
[Call unexpectedly cuts out.]

Call #3:

Caller [so heated, the steam purls over the wires]:  “This -- is -- Omar --….”
911: “Ah, Omar!   Welcome back!  This is the third time you’ve called tonight.  Can we interest you in our exclusive Frequent Callers Club ™?  For a moderate weekly fee, you’ll receive premium service, including reduced wait-times--“
Caller: "Don't you get it? I have--"
911:  "-- and for a slightly fatter fee, you can get "911 Prime":  after one hundred successfully completed calls you win a toaster."
Caller: “I HAVE HOSTAGES !!!”
911:  “We are sorry sir, we do not offer hostages services to other than our premium customers.  Transferring your call to the Department of Motor Vehicles….”
[spray of gunfire; the line goes dead.]

[Note:  That is satire; but what the media have told us stretches credulity even further.  Reportedly, the perp not only put in multiple calls to 911, he also called a TV station ("Am I famous yet?") and surfed the Net to see how the attack-in-progress was being reported.  The question poses itself:  During all that time, and the assailant's distraction, what were the patrons doing?  Why didn't they rush him?  Or simply leave?  The building had half a dozen exits!]

[Update 15 June 2016]  More 911 fun:
Verizon: 911 calls mistakenly routed to empty back-up call center

"Your call is important to us..."

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