Many observers have questioned the
depth or solidity of the Orlando killer’s ties to ISIL. That he called 911 during the
drama three times, is beyond dispute.
But -- was he just then attempting to make initial contact with the
group (a bit late, that!); or was it a pre-arranged call?
The essential scenarios could not be more different:
(A) “Hi, you don’t
know me, but my name is Omar, and I’m a loser, and my wife dumped me, and I
spend all day whacking off in the basement and want to kill myself, but, better
to go out in a blaze of glory, y’know?
As a “martyr”?”
(B) “Heyyy,
Abu; Omar here. ConOps 938b is in progress as we
speak. Inform the Illuminati.”
Obviously, we need to get to the
bottom of this. And thus the
spectacularly tentacular research department at the World of Dr Justice
(Headquarters: Geneva), which has
a mole in every organization of any consequence, drilled into the matter, and
came up with the actual tapes, “transcribed in Hollywood” by our team of
international linguists.
Call #1:
Caller (dials; waits; gets dial tone, which times out)
Caller (dials again; gets a
recording, “We are sorry, but you need to dial a “1” before--“; caller hangs
up.)
Caller (dials again, and again, and
again; finally gets through).
911 (recording): “Thank you for dialing 911; your call is important to
us. For Spanish, stay on the
line. For English, press 2; for Lithuanian, press 3; for Arabic, press 3 only do it
backwards; for Hebrew…”
Caller (to himself): “Damn
it!”
911: “You call is important to us
-- reeally, reeeally important to us!
Muy importante! Sehr sehr importgestrudel!! Please stay on the line!!!”
Caller (Waits; fifteen minutes
pass)
911 (dispatcher): “Good evening, how may I direct your call?”
Caller: “I am Omar -- Omar! -- and I have hostages--“
911: “Please hold while I attend to
a caller on another line.”
[Ten minutes pass.]
911: “Thank you for holding. We--“
Caller: “What was that
about?”
911: “Tragically, a kittehhh climbed up a tree and could not come
down---“
Caller: “Allah’s curse upon the
kittehhhhhh! I am holding
hostages and I--“
[A time anomaly occurs as the convo
is shifted back to the technology of the 1950s:]
Operator: “Your time has
expired. Please insert another
dime--“
[Call ends.]
Call #2:
Caller [dials 911 seventeen times
in succession, for good luck]
911: “Good evening.
How may I direct your call?
For City Hall, press 1. For--“
Caller: “I am Omar, and I am loaded for bear! Fear me! I am calling to pledge allegiance to the Caliph, the Lord
High Abu-Bakr al-Baghdadi, master of Mosul, regent of Ragga --“
911: “Sir, can you spell that?”
Caller: “? --! -- ??!!! -- No, I can’t spell that!
I can barely spell my own name, how do you expect me --“
Hostages [voices in the
background cannot refrain from
intervening. “Aboo Baker Al Big
Daddy--“ “No, you fool. A-Boo Ben
Adam --“ -- Shots ring out, and
the voices cease.]
911: “We are sorry, but there is
nobody by that name at this extension--“
Caller: “Damn this extension!
And a plague on bacon!”
[Call unexpectedly cuts out.]
Call #3:
Caller [so heated, the steam purls
over the wires]: “This -- is --
Omar --….”
911: “Ah, Omar! Welcome back! This is the third time you’ve called
tonight. Can we interest you in
our exclusive Frequent Callers Club ™?
For a moderate weekly fee, you’ll receive premium service, including
reduced wait-times--“
Caller: "Don't you get it? I have--"
911: "-- and for a slightly fatter fee, you can get "911 Prime": after one hundred successfully completed calls you win a toaster."
Caller: "Don't you get it? I have--"
911: "-- and for a slightly fatter fee, you can get "911 Prime": after one hundred successfully completed calls you win a toaster."
Caller: “I HAVE HOSTAGES !!!”
911: “We are sorry sir, we do not offer hostages services to
other than our premium customers.
Transferring your call to the Department of Motor Vehicles….”
Caller: “THAT DOES IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
[spray of gunfire; the line goes
dead.]
[Note: That is satire; but what the media have told us stretches credulity even further. Reportedly, the perp not only put in multiple calls to 911, he also called a TV station ("Am I famous yet?") and surfed the Net to see how the attack-in-progress was being reported. The question poses itself: During all that time, and the assailant's distraction, what were the patrons doing? Why didn't they rush him? Or simply leave? The building had half a dozen exits!]
[Update 15 June 2016] More 911 fun:
Verizon: 911 calls mistakenly
routed to empty back-up call center
"Your call is important to us..."
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