Sad Hamster

The notion of some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing

Mathematical hamsters

The following hamsters are mathematical:

Fluffy

Fuzzy

The proof is left as an exercise.

For extra credit:  Show that Fluffy and Fuzzy constitute an orthonormal vector basis for the entire mathematical hamsterspace.

[Hint:  Sad;  Happy;  get it?]

Two Whirly Poems

(1)  Gedanken-gedicht:   If Alexander had been a hamster

Round and round and round he goes,

Antic and Attic, in his exercise-wheel.

Tirelessly, breathlessly, flagging not,

seeking new worlds to conquer.

(2) Doggerel upon the Integral:  a précis of the residue theorem

Round and round and round we race

circling the singular missing place!

Dizzy and whirling, feeling so good,

until we come back  to where we once stood.

Yet now we find a funny surprise:

Each turn, we toss off a couple of pi’s!

.

The Cartesian “Cogito”, adapted for hamsters

 

~  I am cute, therefore I Am. ~

When Penguins Ruled the Earth

In what must surely rank as the greatest scientific find of the past century, top scientists today announced the most spectacular fossil find in recorded history: Enormous prehistoric penguins.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-17179607

The species is known to men of science and good taste  as Pinguinus ingens, a standard Latin binomial -- ingens in that language meaning ‘ginormous’ and also ‘ingenious’, in reference to the mighty brain of these Jurassic giants, the largest ever recorded for a terrestrial species.   The creatures discussed in the BBC article, standing a little over four feet tall (thus towering over the human predecessors of the time) are actually a subspecies,  Pinguinus ingens minor.  Its sister species, Pinguinus ingens major,  stood eighty meters high at the shoulder

P. ingens minor, with an entourage of mastodons

In its time, it reigned supreme.  P. ingens major  throned  at the very top of the global food-chain, feasting on mastodons and dinosaurs  whenever the spirit took him.  He had no known natural predators -- the only potential danger stemming from the extraordinarily cunning and violent sabre-toothed hamster  (Cutus longidentis) which in those days sported the size and temperament of a rhinoceros.   Yet at a single Jeeves-like look from one of those frosty fellows so formally attired -- as much as to say, “Do you… have an appointment ? ?” --  the sabre-toothed hamster would grin ingratiatingly and slink away backwards  into the bush.

Such are the findings of modern science.

So --  take it from Dr. Justice.

“Science You Can Trust”  ®

~

[Breaking update]  We interviewed some leading scientists for their take on these astonishing events.  Reached in his book-lined Harvard office,  Professor Steven Weinberg remarked:

This is fantastic.  I’m quitting physics.  Paleopenguinology is where the action is.

Physicist heart-throb Brian Greene  was equally enthusiastic:

Forget the Higgs boson.   Let the search for the Higgs penguin  begin !

Higgs penguin in its natural habitat

What -- You think I’m making this up ??  O ye of little faith!  Google “Higgs penguin” and you’ll see!   (Never doubt me again.)

“Science You Can Trust”  ®

*     *     *

~ Commercial break ~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwzOXzZWUik

We now return you to your regularly scheduled essay.

*     *     *

~  Bonus factoids ~

Did U know…

=>  … that 70% of the world’s fresh water  is concentrated in Antarctica, in the form of icebergs?

=>  … that 90% of the world’s cuteness is concentrated in Antarctica, in the form of penguins?

(Yes, yes, hamsters are cute too;  these scientific statistics are based on total biomass, not headcount.  Hamsters don’t weigh very much.)

 For additional  trustworthy science-y truthiness, click here:

“Science You Can Trust”  ®

*     *     *

~ Commercial break ~

Relief for beleaguered Nook lovers!

http://murphybros.blogspot.com/p/read-murphy-on-your-nook.html

We now return you to your regularly scheduled essay.

*     *    *

[ Update 4 IV 12]  Further feathered progenitors:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/05/science/dinosaur-dig-in-china-turns-up-largest-known-feathered-animal.html?hpw

"Yutyrannus huali, a giant, previously unrecognized dinosaur. The name of the species means 'Run like hell, here come the penguins!!'"

The New York Times article offers what purports to be a  nice photograph of Yutyrannus fleeing in terror before the onslaught of Pinguinus ingens.  However, as a Man of Science ("Science U Can Trust"), I must reluctantly voice some scepticism.  For, the "photographs" in question  were in color.  Now:  Had color photography even been invented, way back then?
(So you see how solicitous Dr Justice ever protects you from possibly bogus science.)


Update:  Photo of fossil of our feathered friend:
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2012-04/05/content_14985993.htm
Warning:  Not for young children;  he looks a bit shmooshed.

[For further  fuzzy penguin  funstuff,  
simply click here:
http://worldofdrjustice.blogspot.com/search/label/penguins  ]


=>  Coming soon !    The "World of Dr Justice" interviews an actual  Higgs penguin !!!


In the meantime, while you're waiting, why not buy my books? 

[Update 7 Feb 2013]

Protungulatum donnae, earliest known ancestor of the saber-toothed hamster:

Bug !   Yum !!

Pinguinus ingens used to scarf these guys for brunch, then tweeze them out of his teeth.

[Update 7/7/2014]  It is with heavy heart that we, curators of the unimpeachable news-source “The World of Dr Justice” © (“Science U Can Trust”  ™ ) must report the latest instance of an ornithological hoax.  We refer, of course, to the so-called “Pelagornis sandersi” (even the name gives it away -- that is not correct Latin -- “sandersi” my eye), currently being credulously reported in the press.  They even back up their fantasy with one of those “artist’s conceptions”, which we reprint here so that you can laugh at it:

It’ll never fly…

For the impossibility of such a contraption, confer the classic On Growth and Form, by D’Arcy Wentworth Thompson.

All that the hoaxsters have done, is to take a genuine fossile of Pinguinus ingens minor, and affix a couple of plainly ungainly ‘wings’.

No-one is fooled by such things, gentlemen.

[Update 5 September 2014]  Yet another purported gigantoscopic dinosaur find has been announced -- that of “Dreadnoughtus” (! -- We kid U not).   Since the name itself clearly announces that the thing is just a prank, we won’t go into it further.

(ScienceCat chimes in:  Rlly, you hadn’t of ought to do that, CNN.   Science is serious stuff -- srsly !)

[Update 12 September 2014]  And now this formidable monster, Spinosaurus aegyptiacus -- just one link beneath Pinguinus ingens on the Jurassic food-chain!

 

Spinosaurus, fleeing for his life from Pinguinus ingens (not shown) 

Philological phootnote:  “Aegyptiacus” is Latin for ‘aggravating’, in the manner of a little brother or big sister.

[15 March 2016]  The very latest:

http://www.sci-news.com/paleontology/timurlengia-euotica-new-species-tyrannosaur-uzbekistan-03702.html

That dubious report is subjected to a strict scientific analysis  here:

http://worldofdrjustice.blogspot.com/2016/03/timurlengias-failed-proof-of-urysohn.html


[21 March 2016]  For those professional skeptics who scoff at our fine science --
be aware that there are far stranger creatures in evolutionary history than Pinguinus ingens!
Here is one whose (admittedly, improbable-seeming) reality  is vouched for by none other than the New York Times:

HEL-Looooo-ooooooo !

Tullimonstrum gregarium.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/17/science/solving-the-tully-monsterscold-case.html

Never doubt us again !

.

[Update 11 August 2017]

The latest welcome additions to the prehistoric airborne menagerie are a couple of eleutherodonts.   Though mammals, they were probably oviparous, like the contemporary platypus -- and like the little-known but well-attested citizen of the Proterozoic, Pinguinus volans:   the amazing and adorable  Flying Penguin!

Here we see one of the newcomers, to which the later Flying Squirrel is a later convergent evolution:

 

“Maggie”, the Mesozoic Maiopatagium

[Note:  To get the general public to care about fossils, or anything else, it is essential to dub the specimens with some random female name.]

The aviating powers of Pinguinus volans  were primitive at best, as it could attain a cruising ceiling of no more than eleven inches.  En revanche, it was able to maintain that hovering posture for hours on end.

 

[Update, January 2018]  The latest find:

Gerald Mayr, German paleontologist from Senckenberg Research Institute who led the study, told the media, “It is remarkable that even these early forms reached such an enormous size”. Scientists believe that the bird lived during late Paleocene period, about 55-60 million years ago.

http://www.india.com/news/world/scientists-discover-fossils-of-man-sized-penguin-in-new-zealand-2751386/

Experts suspect that these specimens were no more than the depauperate larvae of Pinguinus ingens, and thus not actually a new species.

Hamster Poem

“The Happy Hamster”:

A poem  no longer than it need be.

~

time go scamper

run   run  run !

that was fun

~

What… is the Meaning of Life?

??????????

To find out, click here!
Murphy on the Mount

Yule B glad U did.

Postscript:
For more hot hamster action, click here:
http://worldofdrjustice.blogspot.com/2011/12/personal-appeal-from-deathhamster.html

Ask Dr. Science !

  (1)  The Dawood Illusion

<==========================>

  

 

       >======<    

Admit it -- the line at the top looks longer to you.  Yet scientists assure us they are exactly the same length!   (The illusion is produced by the relative happiness of the adjoining hamsters.)

(2)  Turing Test

Q:  Is there a God?

A:  No.

Q:  Is there any basis for morality?

A:  No.

Q:  Is consciousness real?

A:  No.

Q:  Do we have Free Will?

A:  No.

Q:  Am I, mm, speaking to a robot?

A:  …. No.

[Note:  All the responses were false except the last.  The responder was in fact not a robot, but a neuroscientist.  They can be hard to tell apart.]


(3)   Questions that stumped the experts, knocked over the left-field fence by Dr.  J.

Q:  What time is it on the sun?

A:  Five o’clock.

Q:  What color is God?

A:  Blue.

Q:  Why don’t atoms have individual names?

A:  Some do, some don’t.

“Science You Can Trust”  ®

A Personal Appeal from Deathhamster

In recent weeks, Wikipedia has gone ape-sh|t with “Personal Appeals”.   The blameless browser cannot call up an article on Fréchet space without meeting someone’s mug -- from the Wikifounder himself (whose name alas escapes me -- it’s not Julian Assange ?) down to the grunt whose chief claim to fame is having noticed a typo in the umpty-eleventh redaction of the article on Wimblethumpkins.  Well, WDJ  wants in on the action !

And so we bring to you a PERSONAL APPEAL from our beloved/behated sidekick, Death-Hamster, who pleads:

Y’know, it ain’t free, to run this site.  We got fuel costs, for the Search Engine; materials outlay, for all these pixels;  property tax, for the site itself;  plus bribes too numerous to mention.  So -- Send Us All Your Money Now ! ! !

~ Death-Hamster -- So cute, so deadly … ~

(TM ©2022, Justice Worldwide Enterprise)

(Or at least buy our books, available here.)

TWoDrJ Annual Fund Drive

 It’s pledge week here chez Doctor J, and we are ready to field your calls.

Many of you may be unaware that this site receives no subvention of any kind: neither public nor private, open nor clandestine.  The whole thing is powered by a single hamster in an exercise wheel.   

The hamster has not eaten for weeks.   You need to send money so we can buy him some life-giving carrots.  (Please don’t send carrots;  I’ll handle that end.)  If you do not:  The hamster will die.    The hamster will expire in furry agony, the wheel will grind to a halt;  and this fine site will go off the air -- forever.

And it will be   all --  your -- fault ….

Everyone who contributes will be enrolled on the Honor Roll, to be prominently posted for all to see.   Categories (by rank):

Supporter:

     Give us all your possessions, plus your first-born.

Minor supporter:

     Liquid assets only, and the runt of the litter.

Cheapskate:

     $10,000.

Flint-fisted penny-pinching tightwad:

     $1000.

Lowest form of pond scum:

     $100.

[The remaining categories cannot be named on a family-oriented blog.]

So -- send in your hard-earned dollars, for the good of the cause.

If the drive is successful, we might have another one next month.