Frontiers of Marketing

I hold in my hand a bar of “endangered species” brand (I kid U not; right down to the self-promotingly self-effacing abstention from capital letters) “extreme dark chocolate” (88% cocoa); something my wife picked up at the health store (where the bulk of our income goes these days).   For those of you who have something better to do than to follow the food-fads -- well, if you really want something better to do, read this; but if you’d like to hear more about chocolate and don’t know what that “88% cocoa” is about … It’s not about distinguishing real from fake chocolate;  for this target audience, cela va sans dire.  It’s about surpassing a certain threshold of cocoa content, beyond which, instead of being bad for you, chocolate bars become actually good for you.   (This is in harmony with Murphy’s theory that original unfiltered Camels ® are good for you;  but that is for another evening around the fire.)

The packaging is, to my eye, extraordinarily attractive.  The dominant color is an intense russet-umber, broken by horizontal bands of silvery-bluish-black:  one of which depicts the glowing ochre eyes and blueblack fur of an animal which, by the look of him, is rather more dangerous than endangered.   Then, in bright white against the brooding background, this alert:

10% OF NET PROFITS DONATED TO HELP SUPPORT SPECIES, HABITAT AND HUMANITY

This pledge, one feels constrained to note, is conveniently vague.   The species in question are not listed, and presumably do not include cockroaches or Clostridium.  Nor is it possible to support a “species” as such, in its entirety;  might the beneficiaries perhaps be the bondholders of Endangered Species LLC, dues-paying members of Homo sapiens sapiens?  And might the habitat in question involve payments toward the unsecured second megamortgage of the E.S. CEO ?  (For similar semantic analysis of corporate goodthink-puffery prose, see here.)

Still and all, their hearts are in the right place (as are, no doubt, their pocketbooks):  you won’t find such tithing featured on the proletarian products of the Mars Corportation or General Foods.  -- To verify this claim, I just checked a package of Imitation-Fudge-covered Cheezewhip-Dudels®.  And sure enough:  “10% of the proceeds go directly to Donald Trump®.”

Now, if you’re like most folks, you don’t much care about the politics or rhetoric of the thing, nor its possible connection to Tritinitarian Minimalism.  What you want to know is -- How’s the chocolate ?

Well heck -- you don’t eat these turbo-cocoa things for the taste, you eat them for your health, or rather for some ideal abstract image of your health.  You eat them to pile up brownie-points in heaven (in vain;  solâ gratiâ), and to feel superior to the slobs on their Barcaloungers stuffing their maws with chocolated corn-syrup bars while ogling “Bowling for Dollars”.  You eat them because it’s the Slim Thing to Do.

Still, since you asked, I sampled the merchandise, cleansing the palate with fresh-brewed French-roast and noting synergies with roasted organic unsalted almonds.   And to my surprise, can report that, in a head-to-head comparison with Lindt’s “Supreme Dark” (90% cocoa),  E.S.  scored 93.7737 on the Metapenuin Yummy Scale, while Lindt’s clocked in at only 89.836.   (That means simply that  E.S. tastes better;  the decimals are just for purposes of Science.)

[Note:  This site, being above the fray, does not accept ads;  though we are not above accepting contributions.  Perhaps  the “endangered species” megacorporation would like to contribute to my Defense Fund; otherwise I might change my mind.]

Update 13 August:
Still haven't heard from a certain corporate someone.  So, on second thought -- their chocolate sux.