Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Are *you* ready for: The Hot Dog Experience ??



We earlier chronicled the depths to which the New York Times can sink, in trumpeting the self-licking gourmandise  endemic among the bobos of Paris:


This morning, a trio of chroniqueuses go down-market, selecting the top news of the week’s stories, the tippy-top of which is this one, showing that the gooey pleasures of the Gluttony of Delicacy  are available  even to those who merely chow down on weiners:

That First Crisp Bite
Can Make or Break the Hot Dog Experience’
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/01/insider/that-first-crisp-bite-can-make-or-break-the-hot-dog-experience.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=second-column-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news


Contributions for victims who have suffered  a broken Hot Dog Experience  can be sent to this address.   (Contributions in Swiss francs, please, in lieu of flowers.)

M-my h-hot dog wasn't c-crisp ...



[Update Sunday]

Predictably, the WaPo weighs in with a front-page tearjerker about a woman who had the misfortune to bite down on the wrong end of a frankfurter.   “It’s not about the money -- it’s about the families,” she sobbed.
 

Monday, January 2, 2017

On Crunchy Numbers



In the Ike era, we grew up on Wonderbread® :  a sort of Brot ohne Eigenschaften whose edulcorated transmogrification is known as Twinkies.
Since that time, we have learned to abjure, not only such treif, but anything not calling itself wholegrain.   Or, better still, multigrain: some brands boast seven grains, a few claim twelve; disparate mixtures  full of gritty, grainy, crunchy goodness.
 
Now  our local upscale supermarket offers a variety of own-branded bread, that boasts (in large letters) no fewer than

27 GRAINS

That really surprised me.   It’s one of the main points of Jared Diamond’s Guns, Germs, and Steel  that digestible, domesticable, feasibly growable grains  are not to be had for the asking;  there just aren’t that many of them.   The explanation is that, a little lower down and in smaller font, the label reads

AND SEEDS

In other words, this brand of bread is equally at home in the bakery and in the bird-feeder.

Our son, scoffing at this terminological legerdemain, inquired why the market chose “27” of all things.   Unhesitating I replied, “Because it is three to the third power -- the trinitarian pinnacle of the Perfect Cubes”.  -- Said heir and offspring, himself a nascent mathematician, appreciated the point, but doubted that your average shopper was aware of such things.

And indeed, there is a larger point.   For number-theorists like Ramanujan, each integer has its own flavor, its own biography and backstory -- cf. the famous incident of the taxicab numbers (in which G.H. Hardy plays the straight-man or fall-guy).  But for ordinary folks, like rocket scientists (who deal with contingent analogue quantities, rather than integral transcendent entities) or English professors (surrounded by a midge-cloud of  pre- or sub-arithmetical post-modernists), all but a very few -- small -- integers  will be featureless.   Some will be visually familiar:  3 and 4 (the triangle, the square), 5 (the quincunx on dice), 6 (boxcars, ditto),  7 (a “lucky” number for the superstitious) or 23 (ditto, for the more cerebral), 10 (count your fingers), 20 (with its portrait of Jackson).   Some will be familiar for incidental, non-mathematical reasons, like 100 and 1000 (which owe their prominence to the accident of base-10 notation -- a case of decimal fetishism).   --  Those associations are widely shared;  but there may be others  more individual;  as, (mostly for girls), “sweet sixteen” (or in Latin America, la quinceañera).   Indeed,  any integer small enough that you have lived that number of years (particularly those for which you still kept track of your birthdays).    As, the poem(-collection) “Now We Are Six” (by A.A. Milne), an anniversary in memory still green (and which I teach to the neighborhood children when they reach that delightful threshold).  Or…. 27;  which, even before I had attained that age, always seemed numinous (probably, indeed, for its prime-power nature), and which was ratified as such by my marrying at exactly that age, quite close to my birthday.    Whereas, for most folks, a number like 81 (pourtant a perfect square, as well as  3^2^2, to boot) tells no tale, sings no melody.

~

The preceding remarks are of psychological or anthropological interest, but of no moment for mathematics itself:  They present an external, human-centered view of the integers.  But further considerations suggest a subtle distinction between two ways a given integer may be “interesting” (a more bloodless equivalent of our anthropomorphic term crunchy).   We might dub these internal and external:  both times internal to mathematics as a whole, but in one case only, internal to number theory in its most elementary sense.

Thus, consider 5.  Number-theoretically, it’s a prime and that is pretty much that; but in the geometry of three-space, it is the number of Platonic solids.  Or 17:  Number-theoretically it is both a prime and a Fermat number; but in the geometry of two-space, it is the number of crystallographic planar symmetries.  
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallpaper_group

Or: 230, the number of space groups.

Here, the integer in question is not a creature or crystal considered distinct and in itself, but a stopping-point one arrives at by calculating and counting.  There might have turned out to be, say, 18 plane symmetry groups, without upending the world; but the internal structures of 17 and 18 are unrelated.

~

This dichotomy of internal versus external interest  chez the integers, represents ideal poles, which are not exhaustive, but bookend a spectrum.  As, probably intermediate: the “crunchiness” of natural numbers as viewed by students of finite groups.    (Here the masticatory metaphor  returns unbidden, for I always imagine finite groups along the lines of a wrinkly-surfaced walnut.  Finite simple groups -- those for which no homomorphism can split out any subchunk as its “kernel” -- the hardest nuts, the ones you can’t crack.)  Simon Norton seems to have had such an intimate gustatory appreciation of individual finite groups, before he Threw It All Away and went off to ride the bus.

~

In light of our training, we know at least one thing to do, should we ever be given an unfamiliar integer and locked in a room, with no other toys to play with.  Namely, we can probe for primality.  (An activity that becomes, indeed, crucial, for cryptographers.)
But now imagine that instead we had been handed some fraction like

      (2 +  √137) /4081

Untrained, we react with dismay.

Yet later, learning of the Golden Section, (1 + √5)/2, and its many remarkable properties -- not the least of these being that it can be represented as the infinite continued fraction consisting of nothing but ones -- we conclude that the critter is crunchy indeed;  and that there are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreamt of here below, and that we must anticipate the afterlife, before we could begin to embrace them.


~

Our treatment focused on what the innumerate are missing, much like what the Daltonist, unbeknownst, lacks of the hues.   But there is such a thing as unearned crunchiness --  a bogus significance assigned to certain numinous numbers, like 19 among the Baha’i’s; the “23 enigma”; 666; 1000 AD as the Millennium; the mumbo-jumbo numbers in “Lost” and "Touch"; for all which, cf. Wikipedia on apophenia.   In the face of such things (which have snared some otherwise rational people -- a close friend of mine, critically brilliant but unmathematical, fell for the “23” business), we are inclined to say, along with Nulla  extra ecclesiam  salus,  that  Nulla  extra mathematicam  ratio.


~

For a rather recondite example of crunchiness, consider the ‘amicable numbers’  (  الآعداد المتحابة) reported by the medieval historian Ibn-Khaldun in his Muqaddima .   Apparently only two of these were known to the Arabic medievals (or: they are the only two numbers characterized by a theorem of Thabit ibn Qurra), and they are not much to look at:  220 and 284;  but they meant something to contemporary practitionars of the talismanic art.

The modern view is summarized here:


Sunday, January 1, 2017

On Chocolate-Covered Pretzels


Why would anyone want to put chocolate on a pretzel,  frchrsk?
It’s a Category Mistake!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Bean gatha



I
In a saucepan,
place two tablespoons of water,

one tablespoon of butter,

and the vegetables.
Bring to a full boil
over medium-high heat,
separating vegetables with fork
to hasten thawing.

II

Reduce heat to low,   cover,
and simmer,
ve - ry      gent -   ly,
until vegetables are   tender --
eight to ten minutes.
(If all liquid   evaporates
before vegetables are      tender,
add a small amount of water.)

Do not drain.

Makes 1 ¾ cup.



[found on the back of a package, Berkeley, ca. 1972.
I was vegetarian at the time.]

[For further examples of "found poetry", click here;  or just look around you.]

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The *Real* Paleolithic Diet


DINOSAUR MEAT !!!!

Anything less,  is for wimps.

(I.e. : Weakly Interacting Massive Particles.  These never eat meat.)

Mastodon meat is an acceptable substitute.

While awaiting our hunters streaking back in the Wayback Machine, there is this:


(That, by a man  who has wielded weapons in Iraq.
Chuck Norris wilts at his approach.)

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Global Primate Change


A beguilingly presented, but ultimately disturbing report, describes the burgeoning activity of a firm that manufactures meals consisting of ground-up insects (with spices added, to keep you from throwing up):


This company is located in that capital of world cuisine,  France.
(This gives a whole new connotation to the celebrated Hôtel Grillon of Paris, whose menu soon may feature “Grillons grillés à la mode de Bangui”.  A new entree as well, for the "paleo diet".)

Best with ketchup ...


The presenters joked somewhat nervously about all this, adding that, after all, our planet already has so-and-so-many billions of mouths  (most of them well outside Europe though increasingly craning their necks in that direction) with billions more on the way.  So that demographically, the thing starts to look, not far-fetched, but inevitable.

And suddenly we are swept by the horror of it, worse by far than simply Hannibal ante portas  -- vast broiling locust-swarms, rolling towards the boreal, and bringing with them their own cuisine.
The criquets pélerins foretokening the criquets migratoires

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Self-defeating ideas


Wonderful Wikipedia has a wonderful article about (wonderfully) the notion of ideas that, logically, self-destruct (but which may be popularly long-lived, nevertheless).  We polemicised against one of them -- eliminative materialism -- here.

   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-refuting_idea

To this propositional or assertoric notion of a self-refuting idea, we may add the illocutionary or pragmatic idea of a self-immolating statement.   As: 

The current issue of The New Yorker has a worthwhile demurral by John Lanchester:

Shut Up and Eat:
Down with foodism

Hear, hear.  Only -- that mini-essay appears (ausgerechnet) in the annual semi-bloated “Food Issue”, which I hurled into the trash-basket, almost unread.

Friday, August 8, 2014

A fou-faraw in France


In our earlier post, 
 

we offered a linguistic deconstruction of a recent incident in which which the éminence grise of the Front National, Le Pen père, uttered what was alleged  by his detractors  to be a Discouraging Word, disobliging to la gent israélite.  He denied this.  (In earlier times, this incident might have been settled among gentlemen, with swords, on the meadow at dawn;  nowadays, we slug it out on TV.)

This evening, there was an interesting update.
 “All Things Considered” just broadcast a useful report from France by Eleanor Beardsley. She asked a French rabbi whether he held the Front National responsible for the upsurge of (sometimes violent) antisemitism in France.  “He just laughed”:  The perps in the recent attacks, he explained, are overwhelmingly immigrant “Muslim, African, and North African” -- less FN than FLN, as it were.  As for the FN, it is more worried about precisely that population, than about long-assimilated Jews.


Politics-and-language note:
That piece, though it did not go deep, was somewhat startling in actually naming ethnicities, rather than just referring to “des jeunes”, which is the French media codeword when Maghrebis get out of line.   (Off course, this may have less to do with any courage on the part of NPR, than the fact that the roster of taboo topics  differs from country to country.) Additionally, Ms Beardsly added another bit of profiling, when she reported that, at the end of a recent demonstration, “the male protesters” broke loose can commited acts of vandalism.  Not:  “the protesters, who were mostly men” or what have you.   In fact, the detail added is in some ways so odd (particularly since the issues here, unlike those of the counter-demonstrations relating to the Mariage pour tous, are by no means gender-related) , that I wonder whether it was not so much a swipe at the masculine gender, as a crytpo-French reference to, precisely, “les jeunes” (al-shabaab), and thus covertly ethnic in reference.


[Update 9 August 2014]   As mentioned, in French media-speak, des jeunes is code for ‘misbehaving Maghrebis’ -- what the American media call “inner-city youth” -- except that, in France, they are rather ‘outer-city’ youth, since they live in what, topographically, Americans would call “the suburbs”, but which, sociographically, is quite other than that:  la banlieue, the barely-policeable belt around Paris -- think of it as the inner city turned inside out.  Within the banlieue, you will find the cités, referenced above.   And this morning, this new bit of French political semantics, courtesy of Le Figaro:

De la banlieue rouge à la banlieue «verte» ?
La banlieue du chanteur Renaud a disparu.

The rouge (‘Red’) refers to Communist (Stalinist) influence:  it is a metaphor that the whole world borrowed from the Bolsheviks, after the Russian use.   But the verte -- the ‘Green’?
My first thought was that it referred to les écolos -- and indeed, there are pockets of (let us call it) Ecocentrism out in the banlieue as well, mixed in with everything else.   That is the only sense now current in America (“Go Green!” -- in your grandfather’s day, it referred rather to greenhorns -- newbies to you).  But that is not it.

The headline goes on:

Les anciens bastions du PCF ont cédé face à la montée du communautarisme musulman.


Ah…. ha!   The reference is actually to Muslim identity-politics, coded by the color made especially familiar by Gaddhafi  (he brandished his little  Green Book, a counterpart to Mao’s Little Red Book).    This is not an essentially French usage; it is being borrowed from another culture.   And while the association of green with Islam is widespread, it is not the only color-code in play:  Hizbollah uses (green on) yellow; al-Qaeda and ISIL use (white on) black.   So if you ever see a forest of green banners marching towards your cul-de-sacs, relax:  it might have been worse.


[Update 10 August 2014]  We suggested above that the somewhat “off”-sounding “male demonstrators” might have been in part a crypto-Gallicism, unconsciously inspired by the special contemporary French political use of the codeword les jeunes.  A similar apparent case of unconscious loan-translation appears in this morning’s New York Times, datelined Paris.   In prose reminiscent of a high-end menu, as gooey and thick as pâté de foie gras, we read of a state-subsidized (and rather louche-sounding) real-estate speculator, remaking the Marais section of Paris (“one of the city’s trendiest” districts, the reporter reassures us, lest some francophone-capable American readers hesitate to venture into a section whose name literally means ‘swamp, morass’) into an “Epicurean Village” (epicurean  not in the sense of the  ataraxia of πίκουρος,  but of self-indulgent sybarites):

“It’s going to be totally designed, with a library so people can think about the meat.”

(I blink.  Did the sentence really say that?  Let’s re-read it slowly:


It’s
going to be
totally designed,
with a library
so people can think

so people can think
so people can think
about the meat.

Yep, that’s what it says all right.)

Quoting the silk-scarf bedraped entrepreneur, our blithe and flighty reporter goes on:

“Over there will be the cheesemonger, where the cheese will be hidden in designer drawers, and taken out and explained.”

All right -- now I’ve lost the readers’ confidence;  you must think I’m making this up.  So here’s the link; go see for yourself:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/10/world/europe/an-epicurean-village-is-too-rich-for-some-paris-appetites.html?ref=world

One pictures the scene:  “You, cheesemonger!  Explain that cheese!”

Our reporter continue, this time in her own prose, rather than that of the sleek little Frenchman:

Fashionably dressed butchers, …

(Actually we must pause here, overcome.  “Fashionably dressed butchers”, what an image.   Trendily attired plumbers;  dishwasher-repairmen in gay raiment …  -- Let’s try again.)

Fashionably dressed butchers, bakers, and restaurateurs  will work in an upscale collective  --

(No, sorry,  got to pause again for breath.  A “collective” -- shades of those olden times in Berkeley!  But -- faut préciser -- an upscale collective.   Très chic. -- Truly, today’s feminized-and-yuppifed New York Times is priceless.  --- Let’s try one more time:)

Fashionably dressed butchers, bakers, and restaurateurs  will work in an upscale collective, dominated by the principal of zero waste, 

[ => “The  Principle   of  Zero   Waste”  <= ]

peddling [Is that really the verb you want? -- Copy editor] high-concept foods from mod spaces …

(“High-concept foods” -- “Mod spaces”.  Can’t make this stuff up.  -- Well, she can. -- To resume: )

… high-concept foods from mod spaces, using  biological products  sourced only from French farmers.

(We fall exhausted on our labors.)

Anyhow, en tant que philologue,  allow me to draw your attention to that phrase, “biological products”.   For the average American reader, I suspect, that does not have quite the effect that the gushing author intended.   To the ear of the anglo-saxon (as the French call us), that sounds suspiciously like a tissue sample, or an excretion, or something suspected in an ebola outbreak.   But what is really meant is what, in the preceding paragraph, she styled more idiomatically as “farm-fresh gastronomy” (semantically, there is a bit of an enallege adjectivi there, since what is “farm-fresh” here is not really the gastronomy, but the food which the gastronomes are shoving down their pie-holes, washed down with a nice chablis;  but let that pass).   The sense, surely, is an unconscious semantic loan-translation from French biologique: it means ‘natural, organic’, and (among the trendy) is usually abbreviated bio  (as in : des produits bio;  the modifier does not inflect for number or gender).

(Enough, enough.  Epicurean village delenda est.  Times, cancel my subscription.)

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Tasty Recipes for Lent !!


US Catholics free to eat alligator this Lent
http://www.catholicherald.co.uk/news/2014/03/11/bishops-says-us-catholics-can-eat-alligator-during-lent/

Mm-mm-good!



Here comes dinner !!

Home-style Recipe:

  (1)  Catch alligator.
  (2)  Season to taste.


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Introducing the Fundamental Food Groups


We have elsewhere lamented that, of the (at most) half-a-dozen things they taught us in elementary school, the only one that turned out to be of any use in later life was the rhyme that mentions the date of Columbus’ discovery of the Americas (“In fourteen-hundred ninety-two...") -- and even that has now subsided into uselessness, since we are now forbidden to celebrate or even mention C*******, and are supposed to celebrate Sacagawea (or Nelson Mandela) instead.

Anyhow, among that scant half-dozen was a listing of the basic food groups.  According to the taxonomy taught by the Travell Elementary School of Ridgewood, New Jersey, ca. 1958, these are just three, classified as to whether they make you

“Go”

“Grow”

or

“Glow”.

(I kid U not.  Your Eisenhower-era tax dollars at work.)   This nicely mnemonic scheme turns out not to be endorsed by any major nutritional or endocrinological group operating outside of a kindergarten.  The only reason I even remember it is that, to the class’s immense satisfaction,  the only food said to be a member of all three said groups was …  ice cream. -- Not making this up, though our parents probably thought we were when, on the strength of this doctrine, we requested ice cream for breakfast.

Since that time, we have all been exposed to various supposed “basic food groups”, often contradicting one another, annoying because generally in the context of a harangue by food nags, and none of them as easily memorable as the one they taught us in school, whose only defect lay in the fact that it is false.

~

Well!   Just today I encountered a new and highly improved scheme of basic food groups,  offered by  Professor C.H. Taubes, in his article (which I commend to you and your children) “Differential Topology”, in Timothy Gowers, ed., The Princeton Companion to Mathematics (2008), p. 399.   He writes as follows:

The orientable, compact,
connected, topological,
two-dimensional manifolds

are in one-to-one correspondence
with a collection of fundamental foods:
the apple;
the doughnut;
the two-holed pretzel;

(You with me so far?)

the three-holed pretzel;
the four-holed pretzel;
and so on.

Now, I know what you’re thinking:  What’s with all the pretzels already?  But surely such topologically unique individuals  deserve to be noticed separately -- it’s nothing like the overly detailed vocabulary of this that and the other trivially different shapes of pasta, most of them homeomorphic to each other anyway.

The Fourth Fundamental Food (Euler characteristic:  -4)



~

A word on the rhetorical aspect of that slogan,  “Go/Grow/Glow”.
The taxonomy it introduced was in every respect worthless, and probably understood as such  even by the teacher.   The rhyming slogan had the advantage of being mnemonic, but, unlike the rhyme about Columbus in fourteen-hundred-ninety-two, it itself contains no information, so its retention in memory -- lo this half-century or more -- serves no purpose.  Why then trot it out in the first place, and why does it hang on in the mind?

Largely, I think, the purpose of the slogan was the slogan itself, the sheer aesthetics of its combined rhyme and alliteration;  that it pretended to categorize anything  was incidental -- indeed, instead of being used for food groups, it could equally well (or better) serve to label broad areas of Things We Do in School.   Its effect upon the pupils was not informative or even cognitive, but more like a jingle chanted while doing calisthenics.

A comparable example from German history, presenting the fundamental tripartite order of society, by social function:

            Nährstand, Wehrstand und Lehrstand

Workers, soldiers, and intelligentsia, basically;  but no-one needed the rhyme to be reminded of that.

Or the celebrated (and now denigrated) formula for the proper concerns of a decent German Hausfrau:

            Kinder, Küche, Kirche

That’s a good one;  its rhythmic regularity, its consonantal certainty, probably served to buttress, in society’s mind, the very virtues it was advocating.

[Footnote]  Compare this Classical dietetic bifurcation:


Aristotle’s speculation that the embryo receives two kinds of food from its mother: one to generate form, the other to increase size.
-- Stephen Jay Gould, Ontogeny and Phylogeny (1977), p. 236


.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Word of the Day: “mimolette”


Admit it -- unless you are a foodie (which I emphatically am not), you have never heard this word.  Nor had I, until a moment ago.

The brilliant Wikipedia has a typically engrossing article:

A cow's-milk cheese … its name comes from the French word molle, meaning "soft". This refers to the softness of the crust when young  …. It has a grey crust and orangish flesh. The orange colour comes from the natural colorant, annatto. The cheese has a similar appearance  … to a cantaloupe melon.
The greyish crust of aged Mimolette is the result of cheese mites intentionally introduced to add flavor by their action on the surface of the cheese.

That last bit sounds rather like adding weevils to flavor the flour, or maggots in meat.  But hey -- foodies.

Only, apparently some U.S. customs agent was alerted to this fact, made a wry face, and held up a shipment of this mighty-mity cheese at the dock.
 
Now, why mention this at all, among the millions of interesting factoids?  Because, although this is totally not news in America, which cavalierly ignores such things, there is a sort of trade-war going on, between ourselves and France, centering upon this modest table-garnish.  As witness:

La mimolette est-elle menacée aux Etats-Unis? Les dernières importations de ce fromage français orange, qui se déguste plus ou moins vieilli, sont retenues depuis plus d'un mois aux frontières américaines sans explication logique, selon l'importateur.

Plus de 500 kg de mimolette sont ainsi retenus par la FDA (Food and Drug Administration) dans un entrepôt du New Jersey (est), a indiqué à l'AFP Benoît de Vitton, responsable USA de l'entreprise normande Isigny Sainte-Mère, qui a envoyé l'an dernier 60 tonnes de mimolette aux Etats-Unis.

"On importe de la mimolette depuis une vingtaine d'années mais depuis début mars, les inspecteurs de la FDA nous donnent du fil à retordre. Nos mimolettes ne passent pas les analyses", ajoute le responsable. Selon M. de Vitton, les inspecteurs ont fait savoir que les "mites à fromage", des cirons, sortes d'acariens microscopiques cultivés à dessein sur la croûte pour affiner le fromage, étaient allergogènes.

Or, ces mites ont toujours existé, s'étonne ce responsable à qui un inspecteur de la FDA a indiqué que le "taux de mites était supérieur au taux autorisé, sans pouvoir me dire quel était ce taux autorisé". Je "n'ai aucune explication si ce n'est cette histoire d'allergie", ajoute M. de Vitton, qui a fait stopper les arrivages de France et selon qui certains fromagers de New York sont en rupture de stock.
http://www.lefigaro.fr/flash-eco/2013/04/09/97002-20130409FILWWW00674-la-mimolette-menacee-aux-usa.php?m_i=q5tq2o5ijZDJj7DXOPQG6Li3jTk5XSxUuyz07TPrBV8EmPDqe

The alert and literate Le Figaro readers  tartly reply:

* Pas grave... : = ) la mimolette plus elle est vieille, et dure, meilleure elle est et aussi plus chère ! Au final, les Américains l'auront vieillie sans la payer trop cher !!!

* Encore une de ces mesures de protectionnisme déguisé pratiqué par les USA. Si nous avions le courage de revenir sur les accords de la fin de la guerre sur le conéma en interdisant comme ils le font le doublage des films américains, ils verraient les conséquences.

although one, more reflective, cautions:

* 500kgs c'est vraiment pas la mer a boire...

So, hopefully, this incident will not lead to any Franco-American War of 2013 (our plates  already full of the North Korean nonsense).  But if it does -- you heard it here  first.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Timely Advice


My wife bought me a bag of almonds, labelled -- with refreshing simplicity -- “Almonds”.  They are in fact -- if taste be any guide -- salted almonds, roasted almonds, and indeed dry-roasted -- something of which packaging is normally wont to boast.  Yet here, not a word. 
But as I was conveying one of these tasty saline mandorlas to my lips, I noticed a WARNING. 
My fingers froze in mid-conveyance.
And there, starkly, the legend read:

Allergy advice:

Contains almonds” !!

The toothsome munchnut dropped from my trembling hand.
How close had it come !
Nervously setting aside the nuts, I ate the plastic bag instead.  (There was nothing on the packaging saying not to.)

Stung by the close call, I alerted my vast army of research-minions by wrist-radio; they sprang into action.  Here are the disturbing results of their investigations:

=>  Twinkies:  Contains Twinkies !
=>  Poland Spring:  Contains water !
=>  Hamburgers:  Contains hamburger !   (Beef -- mebbe, mebbe not.  Mentionable part of whatever animal:  almost certainly not.  But definitely “hamburger”, a term which covers a lot of terrain.)

On the other hand, in some cases we may breathe easy.  As:

=> Marshmallows:  These are named for the plant known as the “marsh mallow”, Althaea officinalis, a species indigenous to Africa, with many admirable medicinal qualities, and the source of a confection familiar since Egyptian times under the straightforwardly descriptive name of “marshmallow”.    These your grandsires enjoyed in wholesome innocence, before rolling around in their feather-beds and conceiving your mom and dad.  However, to harvest these reclusive vegetables  requires some actual effort, which is no longer in fashion.  So the ingredient which gave the whole point to the thing  has been completely abandoned.  These days, the fraudulently named “marshmallow” is, like everything else in what is left of our culture, synthesized out of “high-fructose corn syrup”, which is basically just another form of ethanol, which is basically just another form of government subsidies.  These you may consume with abandon, with diabetes as the inevitable result, but without fear of allergy to the mallow or anything else -- except, of course, to high-fructose corn syrup; and if you’re allergic to that, then you’re already dead, because they put it in the drinking-water, and pipe it into elevators.

[Note:  To keep Dr Justice in Twinkies, so that he can keep writing funny stuff like that, do check out this site, and, well, buya buncha stuff, whyncha.]


So, in this dizzying world of Frankenfoods, what's a feller to do ?
Why, so glad you asked!  Answers right here: