Sunday, May 25, 2014

Beyoncé to Jay-Z: “Riemann Hypothesis FTW!!”

Chastened by having learned (not from the headline, but from the actual body of the article, run on an inside page of this morning’s New York Times Week in Review [as we longtime-readers still denominate that once-venerable section]) that (but you have likely already ceased reading -- the first parenthesis being a visual cue to click off to somewhere else) that (as I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself) -- that (in short) our young countrymen (and countrywomen in particular) these days no longer read to the end of any article longer than a line or two --

Ah, but already I have overtaxed your Web-nurtured attention-span;  allow me to refresh it with this wordless image of a companionable hamster:

(There, perhaps we may resume) --
being cognizant, then, as some of you may recall from the last episode --  though many of you will simply have joined us in medias res, having skipped the boring intro and zoomed right to the hamster OMG how cute --
here for the benefit, accordingly, of both cohorts, we here recap in the manner of “24”:

on the World of Dr Justice
Ancient, ailing Dr J, propped up on pillows,
with a fresh-brewed pot of French-roast
on the night-table  near at hand,

peruses the front-page of the morning’s Review
and, without having the patience to finish reading it,
proud that he even made it midway,
immediately writes up a blogpost
boasting of his achievement
and berating his juniors
for their deficient Fleiss & Sitzfleisch

-- uh-oh, time for another Attention Refresh, okay here’s Chloe, OMG isn’t she hot -- --

Being, then, of sound mind and in full possession of my faculties, I take this pen in hand  (no wait, where was I;  lost the train of thought) --

[bunny-break while we regather our wits]

To resume:

… this mini-essay by Karl Greenfeld [the author’s name as printed is actually longer, but we have no time for such long names] -- a tiny splotch of text on the front page  -- we’re talking Print Edition here [collective groan from the Millennials] -- whose title would be too time-consuming to reproduce, but whose SMS acronym would be FCL -- surmounted by a vast rectangle of meaningless graphics, itself a metaphor for audience inclinations in these sadly fallen times --

Warning to Blogger
Your pageviewership has plummeted by 97%
since this essay began;
Recommend emergency measures

(extracting our silver hammer and smacking the cabinet beneath the

In Case of Dire
Emergency, Break Glass

sign,  I deploy this as a last resort:)

Lose Weight  Overnight !
Shed calories  with self-abuse!

-- in fine, said essay reveals the latest slogan of the present meta-analphabetic generation:


which, anglicè, is as much as to say

“Too Long;  Didn’t Read”

O tempora, O --
[character-limit exceeded; terminating comms]

For those of you who actually read an entire book anymore,
try this one!
(Don’t worry, this one is broken up into short stories,
and bite-size philosophical entremets)

[Appendix]  For you cultural-literati who wish to dazzle your next cocktail party with witty observations about the fab-ulous Riemann Hypothesis,
here is Dr J’s handy guide to  All U  Need 2  Know about the R.H. :

Q:  WTF is this so-called Riemann Hypothesis?
A:  Some kind of big-deal math thing.
Q:  Zzzzzzzz…
A:  Nono, you don’t get it:  Whoever sorts out the Riemann Hypothesis, controls cryptography, and thus the world.
Q:  Oh!  World Domination.  Yeh, that I get.   -- Hey, any relation to the Riemann Conspiracy?
A  (long pause):      Sorry.  U R not cleared 4 that.
Q:  Hmpf. So okay, so who came up with this Hypothesis?
A:  Some guy named Riemann.
Q:  Anyone I might know?
A:  Unlikely.   Dead white male.
Q (dubiously):  Dead straight white male?
A:  Come to think of it, nobody knows.  People had different priorities in those days.  Like, um, math …
Q:  OK, we’re outa time here.  Gimme my pick-up line.
A:  Sure.  Brandi Carlile & “Grey’s Anatomy”, a surefire line from Dr J’s most famousest essay:

BONUS 4 U !! =>

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