* By this point it is pretty much universally acknowledged, by men and women of good sense, that Mitt “Mitt” Romney is actually Black. (WDJ was the first to break this story; we proved these startling assertions here.)
But what voters want to know is: Why do you not more publically celebrate your African heritage, hmm, Guv’nor?
* The press has been notably reticient about probing into the dark corners of the former moderate’s love-life. But voters want to know: Just what were you doing in that motel room with the capybara, hmm, Guv’nor??
* Some guy on the Internet claims you’re a Space Alien. Now what do you say to that, hmm, Guv’nor ??!??!
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We now return you to your regularly scheduled essay.
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[Linguistic note: We are not here using the term “Guv’nor” with any reference to Mr Romney’s previous employment in the State of Massachusetts. Rather, we are using it in the Cockney sense, just to be snarky.]