In view of the following tremendously welcome
development, we are revising our
advice as to the pronunciation of the honorable Congressman’s name. It is now to be: BANE-er, rhyming with saner and plainer.
With a vote on a bipartisan budget
deal looming, House Speaker John A. Boehner escalated his feud Thursday with
outside conservative advocacy groups that have repeatedly undermined his agenda
and now are taking aim at the $85 billion compromise agreement. “Frankly, I just think they’ve lost all
credibility,” Boehner (R-Ohio) told reporters.
“They’re using our members and
they’re using the American people for their own goals,” Boehner said Wednesday.
“This is ridiculous.” He expanded
his criticism Thursday, screaming into
the microphone at one point …
You are right, sir;
the crazies have lost credibility.
Now let us see if you can regain your own.
You nursed a viper in your bosom, and it bit you.
We reproduce below our original post, merely in order to
retract it.
(WDJ is never too proud to offer an olive branch; for other abject attractions, click here:
~ ~ ~ Original Post ~ ~ ~
Upon many an occasion, this jolly and scholarly site has provided guidance on the
pronunciation of surnames, courtesy of Doctor J, former Editor of Pronunciation
for a major named CONUS-based dictionary-publisher, coffee-house wit, and
man-about-town. Thus: Bashar al-Assad; Amos Oz; Adalbert von Chamisso; and Tawakkul Karman. Not to mention such
de-onomastic adjectival derivata as: Quinean, or Pigovian.
And thus we come to the pronunciation of the surname (I
would say, “family name”, except that his family has presumably disowned
him) of the most despised,
reptilian, contemptible man in America,
code-named John Sphincter, but
referred to in the media as Johannes Boehner.
 |
| To pronounce "Boehner", the essential phonological motion is that of the gag reflex |
The answer may come as a surprise, though it should
not: It is to be pronounced
precisely as you would imagine, given its spelling. The Boe- part is
like toe, roe; and the “h” just emphasises this, as in O, oh. Thus, the name
is pronounced Boner; rhyming (appropriately enough) with stoner, loner, and zoner. The prevailing expression in Washington for making an unanticipatedly idiotic political statement is to spring a Boehner.
{ Zur Aussprache:
Man macht, als wenn etwas ekelhaftes dir im Kehlkopf steckt,
das man nicht wagt, weder hinunterzuschlucken
noch hinauszukotzen:
bööööööhhhhhhhhn’rrRRRRRh }
Now, admittedly, there are those misguided creatures who opine it should be sounded as though it were spelled (which it is not) Baner or Bainer: as in, “bane of our existence” or “Bain Capital”. But here they are surely deceived. I mean -- Look at how it’s spelled: Boehner, yo! I mean seriously -- How do you get “Bainer” out of that?
Additional errant souls may object, that the loathsome
outcast gentleman in question himself
demands (fruitlessly, for who would heed him at this point?) that it be
pronounced with a long “a” as in anus. But after months of bending unphotogenically over and spreading his cheeks to be shtupped
up the butt by the Teabaggers, he has forfeited any right to weigh in on the
pronunciation of the surname which he has so basely disgraced.
These, then, are the teachings of phonetic science.
~ A simplified and illustrated version of this lecture ~
~ is available to teachers for use in classrooms ~
 |
| The subhuman homunculus (artist’s conception) |
~
~ Celebrity Endorsement
~
“To distract my mind
from current troubles,
I like to dig into a
gritty mystery,
starring those tough-talking,
two-fisted Private Eyes,
the lovable Murphy
Brothers.”
(My name is Thomas Jefferson, and I approved this message.)
~
~
In all humility, we realize that our attempt at polemic
against this blistering pimple upon the heinie of History, is inadequate to meet
the case.
Accordingly, we rang up our good friend and colleague, that
master of scurrilous invective, Mr. William Shakespeare, via a version of the
Wayback Machine, developed in secret cellars by an Agency we dare not name (and
for which you are not cleared
anyway). I inquired,
whether he has had time to follow our present terrestrial follies; he replied that, as a denizen of
Eternity, he now has all the time in the world, or rather out of it.
He intimated that he has indeed been following the farce,
with great disgust; and as regards
Mr. Boehner (which he pronounced “Boner”,
though with an Elizabethan twang), he could only call him
a stampy, stinking meat-breath
minor strudelkopf;
a mimsy-mouthed, curtailed limping
clod-wit;
a reeking, bleeding emerod -- a
pus-puffed bubo -- a knave,
a nit.
*
Für psychologisch
tiefgreifende Krimis,
in pikanter
amerikanischer Mundart,
und christlich gesinnt,
klicken Sie bitte
hier:
*
~
Bonus funfact: How to pronounce “Koch”
In a fascinating article, the New York Times revealed that
this whole supposedly spontaneous outpouring of grass-roots wrath, that led to
the shutdown, was in the planning for months, and bankrolled by the billionaire Koch brothers. So: How do you pronounce “Koch”?
The answer is:
It is pronounced Cock. And people who fall for the Koch brothers’
tricks are technically refered to as Koch
suckers.
Supreme.
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