Doctor Justice Declares a Caliphate
or,
If You Can’t Beat ‘em, Join ‘em
We were bemused at the ease with
which a ragtag of runaways, renegades, and Zarqawiite thugs could propel themselves to regional
prominence, and declare their supremacy over the whole Umma of Islam. And instead of being laughed off the
stage, they have received bay`ah from group after group of former rivals
(killing those that did not submit).
With a keen eye appropriate to
their craft, the Accounting
Department of WDJ Worldwide Enterprises said: Y’know, there might be money in this sort of thing.
Accordingly, as the long arm of
al-Baghdadi does not yet reach
into our home state, we have decided to solidify our base, before it’s too
late. Thus, Doctor Justice,
together with his hardy band of few but fanatical followers, hereby declares
the
=> Riemannic State of Suburbia <=
a.k.a. Riemannistan.
Its capital shall be the cul-de-sac wherein we dwell (Married People’s Circle); our AOR, all the lands in which the Peano Postulates hold good.
The state religion is Cantorian Realism; public punishments
for apostate Nominalists will be exemplary and fun to watch.
 |
Dr
Justice, wisely rendering judgment
unto his subjects, beneath an oak
|
Herewith our immediate,
non-negotiable demands:
* Unlimited rights
* Egg in our beer
* A land corridor
through Prussia
~
Fun Facts about Riemannistan:
* Official language: Latin
* National anthem: “Desolation Row”
* State bird: what do you think?
Notitia Dignitatum
Recent cabinet appointments :
* Dr Massey : Oberreichslateinmeister
* Carlos the Pirate: Minister of Marital Affairs
* Abu-Yahya al-Irbî : Proconsul for Greater Jordan (includes
all territories claimed by the
ISIL)
* Commander
Buckwalter: Minister of
Misinformation, and Lord of the CAStLe
Honoris causâ :
* Named U.S. wifeperson : First Lady
* Airman Bob : Jihadi Performer of the Year [Note: This position, being istishhâdi, is filled anew
periodically. Applications
welcome.]
* Fluffy the family hamster : Emblematic
Animal (to appear on all stamps and currency issued by the RSoS)
Positions still unfilled :
* Ambassador to
Azawad
* Chargé
d’affaires for the Ottoman Empire
[Update]
The cursèd infidels of the next
cul-de-sac over, “Chunky Chipmunk Way” (and here I am barely making anything
up: our town is full of cutesy
street-names) have refused to swear bay`ah to Sultân Dawûd, and have set up a
counter-caliphate !!! This means
war -- War to the knife!
Chunky Chipmunk delenda est !!!!
[Update, Bastille Day 2014] Evidently inspired by Dr J’s bold
proclamation of a local cul-de-sac-based Caliphate, another would-be imam has
claimed a somewhat neglected slice of Africa:
 |
The
imam with his seven year-old daughter, Princess Emily,
showing off the flag that their family designed
as they claim a piece of land in the Eastern African region of
Bir Tawil.
|
http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/va-man-plants-flag-claims-african-country-calling-it-kingdom-of-north-sudan/2014/07/12/abfbcef2-09fc-11e4-8a6a-19355c7e870a_story.html?tid=pm_pop
We welcome this new sacred
territory, and have offered an alliance to Imam Jeremiah, to wage Holy War
against the infidels of the so-called “caliphate” of Chunky Chipmunk Way.
(BTW, those dead-enders over at
Chunky Chipmunk are also pretty
sloppy about recycling. War to the
knife!)
[Update 9 August 2014] Doubtless inspired by Riemannistan’s
righteous Holy War against the kuffar of Chunky Chipmunk Way (a.k.a the Dâr al-Harb), Obama has finally got his
man-card back, and is going after the sole entity that can challenge America’s
hegemonic rule -- The Islamic Caliphate.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/us-expands-airstrikes-against-islamic-state-militants-in-northern-iraq/2014/08/09/1014c018-1fb7-11e4-82f9-2cd6fa8da5c4_story.html
[Late-breaking updeate -- Dispatch
from the Front] The raging
battle between Riemannistan and the accursèd infidels of Chunky Chipmunk Way (upon
whom be grease) has reached a stage of entrenched positions, of the sort
familiar from the early years of the Great War: our territories are now
separated by an impassable barrier composed of around half a dozen or so orange
traffic-cones.
Meanwhile, our supply lines and
economic base have firmed up, relative to those of the foe. Our yard sale last weekend did wa-a-ay
better than theirs did, judging, not so much by the quantity as by the quality of the visitors who dropped by (their SUVs are tacky; ours are swank). We even sold an entire, only
slightly wrecked swingset (Jenny having outgrown it -- she’s in second grade
now)! Match that, you Gehenna-dwelling Chunkies !!
~
Update: Riemannistan hosts refugees
[Dateline Riemannistan --
Associated Press]
Cousin Pete will be camping on our
sofa for a few days. His
common-law wife Midge threw him out of the house. The Riemmanic Caliphate is dispatching a crack diplomatic
team to negotiate.
[Rolling update -- 30 August 2014]
In a stunning development, the
exciting new Caliphate of Riemannistan has firmly established its diplomatic
creds.
Armed with half a dozen red roses
(plus a recycled gift-card from Pete), the Riemannistan emergency team arrived
at the fortress-like headquarters of Ms. Midge [surname, age, weight and cup
size withheld by request]. After a tense quarter of an hour
of high-level negotiations, the team returned to the lofty caliphal palace of
Riemannistan, bearing a chilled six-pack of Pete’s favorite brew, sent over by
Midge in appreciation of the roses.
“So you remembered our [editors: common-law] Anniversary, you old you, you” she wrote in an accompanying bordereau. -- “Uh -- yeh,
for sure!” replied a startled Pete, upon reading the note.
[Update 8 September 2014] Naysayers are now ganging up against the Imam of Bir Tawil:
We of Riemannistan offer our
unstinting solidarity to the oppressed rulers of Bir Tawil, and a big shout-out
to lovely Princess Emily.
 | |
|
Her
Royal (knee-)High(-to-a-grasshopper)ness
Princess Emily |
~
Geopolitical ruminations
Initially, the ISI (Islamic State
of Iraq) was nothing but a rump entity around Falluja, over-grandly calling
itself an ‘emirate’. Later,
Fortuna smiling, it essayed a power-grab, re-styling itself ISIL, adding the
Levant to its self-arrogated AOR.
Finally, having won de factor power in large swaths of both, is
proclaimed itself a “Caliphate” (with ipso facto global pretentions).
It now strikes us that we of
Riemannistan have been overly modest.
At present, Riemannistan consists
of no more Married People’s Circle, together with all the lawns and dwellings
appurtenant thereto. But now we
proclaim our dominion over:
(1) the woods behind our present
demesne, stretching all the way down to the Lake.
(2) We extend our sway to the lowly kuffar of Chunky Chipmunk Lane
in toto, not excluding backyard
hottubs, tacky lawn-ornaments, and what-have-you. Its denizens are now our serfs.
(3) The adjacent cul-de-sacs we do not directly claim, but
graciously leave them sub-enfeoffed to their present tenants, against payment
of a suitable jizya.
(4) The surrounding town, together with
all the highways and interstates leading thereto, are hereby proclaimed lord's waste, and may
continue to serve at our pleasure, as thoroughfares and pasture lands.
 |
| Riemannistan expands its global reach |
[Update]
.
The bozo who heads up Boko
(al-Haraam `alay-hi), recently posted a video
which was reported as being his
declaration of yet another Caliphate -- obviously inspired by our example. However, as the Long War Journal
correctly pointed out, Bozo here uses neither the terms ‘Caliph/Caliphate’ (khalîfah/khilâfah) nor ‘Commander of the
Faithful’ (amîr al-mu’minîn).
It’s pretty funny. In it, he brandishes a sort of
wand or sceptre or phallic symbol, waving it to emphasize his vocal
bursts; and then, unexpectedly,
stops talking for a bit while he …inserts it into his mouth, and cleans
his teeth with the thing!
(It was traditional, among the Beduin, to clean the teeth with a toothpick; but this thing’s humongous, and it’s weird to see him interrupt his own speech to attend to his toiletries.)
(It was traditional, among the Beduin, to clean the teeth with a toothpick; but this thing’s humongous, and it’s weird to see him interrupt his own speech to attend to his toiletries.)
~ For a glimpse of Dr Justice in his pre-Caliphal days, click here. ~
[Update 10 March 2015] In a late-breaking development, Tony’s Pizza has just sworn allegiance
to the People’s Caliphate of Riemannistan. In return,
we shall be ordering-out from Tony’s only, to the complete exclusion of Pietro’s
Italian Pies, which has pledged fealty to the infidels of Chunky Chipmunk Lane
(may the heavens smite their hatchbacks).
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