Dear Sir or Madam:
I am a retired schoolteacher residing in Osawatomie, Kansas. This morning, a package was left on my front porch -- which is surprising in itself, come to think of it, since we don’t get Sunday delivery. I found it just setting there when I got back from church.
Anyway, there seems to be some mistake, since it was addressed to a Mr Urisson or Yurisone or something like that (the package is gone now, and my memory isn’t what it was). No one by that name in these parts, so far as I know. Though, now that I reflect on it, it may have been intended for the safe-house yonder of the fields.
Anyhow. I didn’t know what to do with it, but I must admit: curiosity got the better of me, and I took a little peek inside the package. What I saw made me wish I’d never stuck my nose in where it does not belong. It was a human head, and a blood-soaked note! I didn’t read the note -- I swear it -- and hastily put the package back on the porch.
Later I went out to milk the goat, and it may have been that that saved me. A windowless van drove up to the house, and three men in wetsuits poured out and grabbed the package. Then they set the house on fire, sprayed it with automatic weapons, and left.
So now all my blood-relatives are dead and I am on the run, across the county line in… but it would be foolish to reveal my location, wouldn’t it? (That's just what they want me to do.) Fact is, I seem to have blundered dumb plumb smack dab into the middle of some thrilling international conspiracy!
So the reason I am writing to you is, How do I go about selling my story to Hollywood? It would make it all worthwhile!
Yours very truly,
Martins -- You need to come in. We can protect you.
ReplyDeleteMeet us behind Anton’s garage.
Jim -- Don’t do it! It’s a trick!
ReplyDeleteHello, Jim. This is Hollywood calling, and this is your lucky day.
ReplyDeleteWe want to buy your fascinating story for very-much cash.
Simply turn on your cellphone and leave it on -- don’t move from where you are -- we’ll come find you. In a fancy limousine that you will like.
Oh and by the way do not discard that note, which we know you read and made off with, since it didn’t turn up in the package. We need it for purposes of the screenplay.
C U soon …