Saturday, April 28, 2012

An Ad from the Madmen

Among the notions in my medicine cabinet  is a tube (this one purely for research purposes) of what was known long ago as “Preparation H”.  The “H” part was a transparent allusion to what can be keenly felt, though it must not be named.   As branding goes, it was a good title.

But now everything has gone generic, and the tube in question (which my wife bought at the mini-pharmacy on the far wall of the local Giant) is labeled with a brand-X pseudo-brand,

WESTERN FAMILY hemorrhoidal ointment

“Western Family”!  Such a strange yet evocative image!  Madison Avenue perks up;  the commercial virtually writes itself.

Y’know, when a mayyun’s been rahhdin’ th’ range eight days runnin’, on a harrrd Western-style saddle  not one a them plush ‘n’ spongey  English crumpet things,  his heinie gets to hurtin’ somethin’ powerful.  So me I allus reach for  that sa-ame sov’rin remedy my Pappy used to use, like his Pappy before him:  a big thick, full-to-burstin’ jumbo-size tube o’ WESTERN FAMILY ® bejazus-cream !   Mmmm…..   Insert.... Insert deeply .... Squeeze, squeeze, rhythmically squeeze …. FASTERnFASTERnFASTERnFASTER .....  till it squirts…

“Hey, Pop, kin I use it when yore done?”

“Shore thing, Sister Sue.  Say, jist bend over, do it for ya m’self…”

[Note to the copy-editor:   Send this over to Legal prior to posting  and have it vetted for Good Taste.]

[Footnote:  For an educational video  in extraordinarily good taste,
suitable for nuns and infants, click here:

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