Among the notions in my medicine cabinet is a tube (this one purely for research purposes) of what was known long ago as “Preparation H”. The “H” part was a transparent allusion to what can be keenly felt, though it must not be named. As branding goes, it was a good title.
But now everything has gone generic, and the tube in question (which my wife bought at the mini-pharmacy on the far wall of the local Giant) is labeled with a brand-X pseudo-brand,
WESTERN FAMILY hemorrhoidal ointment
“Western Family”! Such a strange yet evocative image! Madison Avenue perks up; the commercial virtually writes itself.
Y’know, when a mayyun’s been rahhdin’ th’ range eight days runnin’, on a harrrd Western-style saddle not one a them plush ‘n’ spongey English crumpet things, his heinie gets to hurtin’ somethin’ powerful. So me I allus reach for that sa-ame sov’rin remedy my Pappy used to use, like his Pappy before him: a big thick, full-to-burstin’ jumbo-size tube o’ WESTERN FAMILY ® bejazus-cream ! Mmmm….. Insert.... Insert deeply .... Squeeze, squeeze, rhythmically squeeze …. FASTERnFASTERnFASTERnFASTER ..... till it squirts…
“Hey, Pop, kin I use it when yore done?”
“Shore thing, Sister Sue. Say, jist bend over, do it for ya m’self…”
[Note to the copy-editor: Send this over to Legal prior to posting and have it vetted for Good Taste.]
[Footnote: For an educational video in extraordinarily good taste,
suitable for nuns and infants, click here:
[Footnote: For an educational video in extraordinarily good taste,
suitable for nuns and infants, click here:
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