Earlier reports that former governor and former moderate “Mitt” Romney had been granted political asylum in the newly free and independent state of Azawad have proved to be unfounded. The MSM regrets the error.
The truth, it turns out, is quite otherwise. Rather than fleeing his string of hypocrisy and lies in the United States, former corporate raider and CEO has actively embraced the fledgeling state as as golden opportunity for free enterprise. He has established his new investment headquarters at the provincial capital of Gao, now renamed Romneyville ®. Like many veterans of the remarkably efficient LDS worldwide missionary effort, the former elder proved linguistically a quick study, and has adopted as his kunya Abu-Mitt ag George al-Romney. Speaking through an interpreter (His excellency having already adapted to the Touareg tongue), Romney explained:
For years the Republican Party has been trying to roll back the Great Society, and then the New Deal, and ultimately the Emancipation Proclamation. Well, we have right here in Azawad, right now, what American plutocrats could only dream of. In the words of Azawad’s newly-installed Minister of External Investment, Dr. Justice (whom I look forward to working with closely),
“No regulations, no taxes, no paper trail, mum’s the word. “
Asked about his future plans, the former Wall Street magnate indicated that he would remain for now in the Republican Presidential primary race, “as a sort of hobby, just like it was for Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain: but we all have other fish to fry.” Mr. Romney has already accepted the post of Prime Minister of Azawad, and has begun issuing fatwas. “First, we gotta keep George Soros from muscling in on the action. Next, I’ll be lobbying to make Azawad the Fifty-First State.”