A young woman of my acquaintance -- well, maybe not so
young, but younger than I am (which is no longer saying much) -- Anyhow, a
frankly middle-aged woman of my acquaintance (though the French put it so much more diplomatically: une femme d’un certaine âge),
whose highly specialized profession involves keeping us all safe, recently had to
re-poly (to be “fluttered”, as the spy novels have it), to make sure that, in
the intervening years, she had not perhaps morphed into a Bad Person. Folks in the business learn to put up with such periodic
indignities; but this time
there was a new one -- something special.
The polygrapher directed her to sit down squarely (positioning
her haunches just so) upon a kind of high-tech whoopie-cushion. A whoopie-cushion, as it turns out,
with a dirty mind.
What’s this? she asked, eyeing it dubiously.
It’s a sphincter pad, he said.
A -- are you serious?
Yes. It detects
tightening; this tells us whether
you are a Bad Person.
She pondered a bit.
“Is the fact of the use of this item in the re-clearance process
Classified?”
He assured her it was not.
“And is the phrase… “ (you must tighten the circum-oral
muscles to pronounce this phonetically awkward expression) “sphhhhhincter pad Classified?”
No indeed.
“Good,” she said, “because I want to tell my husband about
this.”
Plus she told me.
Anyhow, it’s important to know that this phrase is not
Classified, because, unlike certain other
news organizations we could name ahem ahem, the World of Doctor Justice ® resolutely does not leak such
information, even if it’s funny.
~
When I was in the sixth grade, back in 1961 (before your
time; back when Abraham Lincoln
was President, or someone like that) , things were mostly pretty wholesome
around the playgrounds (no, really;
these days, that might be hard to believe); but one day a certain nasty boy (who doubtless later died in
a ditch) went around telling a sort of ‘joke’. Like all ‘jokes’ at that age, it wasn’t really clever
or even funny, it was simply training and practice in certain linguistic
sub-genres: in this case, that of
presenting an entirely made-up word, not so that you would ever use it, or
understand it when used in normal conversation (since it never will be), but
purely so that the thing can be explicitly defined, in a potentially funny but more usually paradoxical and vulgar way. The granddaddy of them all,
in my book -- the locus classicus of
this weedy genre -- is blivvit. As in:
“What’s
a blivvit?”
“I
don’t know, tell me.”
And the answer is:
blivvit (noun) /‘BLIV-it/ [from Middle English blythe-wit, from Old French]
“ten pounds of
shit in a five-pound bag”.
(I must confess, I still find that very revealing and funny,
many years after having heard the word.)
Anyhow: This
nasty boy (ferret-faced, and hunchbacked before his time) snickering asked me
what a fnorgoid was (or some such
nonsense-word; mercifully, none of
my remaining neurons has been dedicated to its retention, they being all of them needed for the Riemann Hypothesis). In all innocence, I confessed complete
ignorance of this word, both semantically and etymologically (though,
phonetically, we can pretty much rule out an Old-French origin). And then, his thin
shoulders heaving with mirthless laughter, and in a hoarse whisper and with
lightless eyes that foretold his
later career in pornography and drug-addiction and eventual death in the
aforementioned ditch, the urchin proclaimed -- to my offended ears, which now
prayed for deafness rather than to hear such things:
A fnorgoid is someone who goes around
smelling girls’ bicycle seats for farts.
(And again I confess:
Even these decades later, that evokes a shudder.)
The concept was preposterous, impossible; and yet (I reflected) if any such
creature do exist, surely I beheld its twisted form before me. (As, one day, inhaling too deeply
and one time too many, his encrusted lungs cracked, and he tumbled
pate-foremost into a convenient ditch.)
~
Fast-forward through the turbulent sixties, the execrable
seventies, the awful eighties, the non-descript nineties, and finally that
dreadful day (cloudless, boding nothing) on which the planes struck the Towers
and the era of the GWOT began.
(That is an acronym for the “Global War On Terror”, invented by the same
people who brought you the sphincter pad.) And now, it appears, fnorgoids do indeed exist;
they work as polygraphers.
For those reduced to a career of sphincter pad analysis, we pray.
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